Blog entry for:

grows in direct proportion to my awareness of these defects and the destruction they cause. or when i see in the mirror of the behavior of someone else, something i find disturbing about myself.
so…
i went to see one of the men, i supposedly sponsor in the Boulder County Sheriff's Bed & Breakfast yesterday afternoon, and boy did i get a dose of gratitude and reassurance that i am on the right path. he acted out each of the character defects i least like in myself. his arrogance, self-entitlement and co-dependency, just jumped out and grabbed me by the throat. by the time i left that room, my skin was crawling and i wanted to dive into the nearest sumthin', sumthin' to get rid of what it was i was feeling. i did not, i went home, took care of my recovering significant other, did exactly one thing for my friend in the pen and checked out for the evening in front of the TV. for now, i feel that i need to step away and allow myself the time to decompress and reevaluate where i am. he really is not going anywhere, anytime soon, all of his needs are being met and his desires? well a little delayed gratification will not kill him.
which brings me back to the top, is that being passive-aggressive? this happens to be one of my favorite behaviors, looking like i am doing it right, but secretly not doing something because i am pissed off and angry. it is no secret that i am angry about being treated like some sort of b!tch, once again. is placing his desires low on my priority list a manifestation of this shortcoming once again? as i ponder that question over the course of the next few hours, i can see, that it just may be. HOWEVER, and yes i know better than to start a sentence with that word, perhaps feeling bad about not asking “HOW HIGH,” is co-dependency at its best. so for me, right here and right now, i NEED some time to feel my way to the next right thing to do, and just for today, that may be doing nothing, until i am clear on my path. which will look like i am punishing him for treating me with such disrespect and disregard of what my life looks like. of course, i do not want to look bad, in the eyes of my peers and the FEAR here, is he will be calling my peers telling them all what a fVck i am, because i am not doing what he asked.
“after all, i would do that for any of my friends and he owes me…”
yes i heard that as well and i get that. i would to keep a ledger of all that i did for others, and i damn well expected all of that to come back in return, exactly when i NEEDED it. IF i were to go down that path, which is also a very old and comfortable behavior, he would be so deep in hock to me, that any demands on my time or resources he made, could be comfortably ignored. which could be a great rationalization to act passive-aggressively and walk away.
today i do not need any justification for what i am doing. when i verify that there really is $300 on the gift card i picked-up last night, then i will buy his tower of power treats and put money on his books. i know when i was in active addiction, i was far from trustworthy, so i have no problem with not trusting him today. this is all about protecting myself and as i sort through this Gordian Knot of feelings, hurts, slights, debts, both imagined and real, i am certain that the course i choose will be the correct one for me.
anyhow, the time has come to be heading west for another day, of doing what i like to do, even though this week has been one that i wish i had not had to experience. i will be a better person because of all that has happened, all i have to do, is pay attention, listen to what i hear and apply that in my life. today i can do that and stay clean as well, NO MATTER WHAT!

∞ DT ∞