Blog entry for:

simple. i replace it with a positive concern for others. and as the reading suggests there are a myriad of ways and means to show positive concern for others. that is not what i heard this morning, and although i am an ordinary garden variety addict, sometimes the readings take me off in a different direction as is the case this morning. it really is not that much of a tangent, when i look at how i create a positive concern for others within myself. part of that is to look at myself and accept that i am who i am, that all that is me, is meant to be me, right here and right now.
i could end that thought right there, which leads me down the selfish path, that if this is what i was meant to be, all that i was meant to be, why bother? after all, things are not really that much different inside of me, and although my life has all the trappings of success and social acceptability, i am still the twisted little sh!t that walked into the rooms eleven years ago. i am still selfish, self-centered and egotistical and i do not see any of that changing very quickly.
BUT! and it is a big one, for every thesis there is an antithesis, if i honestly examine who i am today, i can plainly see that yes i am still selfish, self-centered and egotistical, HOWEVER, i have the ability to behave in a different manner these days. no longer do i have to behave in reaction to those character traits. the recovery i have found since accepting that maybe i needed to be in recovery ten and a half years ago, has taught me that, if allow a POWER GREATER THAN ME to work within me and within in my life, i develop the means to be more than i ever was, or ever dreamed of being. that man is still the sum of all those parts that walked into recovery, but he has become greater than the sum of all those parts is is without a doubt on a path that will allow him to be even more.
and so the battleground is set and the lines are drawn. how does my self-esteem come in to play after seeing those arguments in black and white? well, for one i can see that the chain of evidence is that i am getting better and if i choose to do what i have done will continue to do so. the chain of evidence also shows that the amount of damage i do on a daily basis has been greatly reduced. and finally that same chain demonstrates that without a doubt, i should take a bit of pride of allowing a program to metamorphose me into something i was not, a genuine, self-aware and WHOLE person. that process is far from complete, but i can see that it is working, bit by bit, minute by minute and all i have to do is live the life i have been given and the process will continue.
so as i look at all of this, i feel good about myself, asn as i feel good about myself, i can shift into doing what i can to make the lives of others better, by showing a bit of posistive concern for them. which is the long way back to the beginning and an ending of sorts.
TATA FOR NOW!

∞ DT ∞