Blog entry for:

i continue to become the kind of person i can respect.
the broken record continues today, i am what i am, and there is not much i can do about it. ironically, there is an addict in my life that does not want me to be who i am, my so-called attitude and lack of positive strokes, haunts him. some of it is certainly my stuff, but most of is is my reactions to being put into situations and taking care of sh!t that is not mine, and i am not just talking about the material items that need to be stored when he cycles back to incarceration. i may have once been a cheerleader for him, but that ship sailed a long time ago,. and now i am back to who i really am, dark and cynical and a person who always expects the worst and is more than pleased when a much better outcome occurs. the game of blowing smoke up someone's a$$, so they can find some esteem, is not one i play any longer. unfortunately when someone does not grow with me, they usually end up going away and ion this case, that just may be the healthiest choice any of us make.
today, i need not tear down someone else, to build my flagging self-esteem. nor do i have to continually chant about what a good person i am BECAUSE of everything i do for all of those in my life, because i DO that stuff with no expectation of return on my investment. there is no ledger book in my head tallying my so-called altruism and figuring out who owes me what. part of my frustration is that i keep hearing that tally when i speak to a sponsee and he tells me it is my fault for not giving him enough positive feedback. i mean seriously what the fVCk, now it is my job to prop someone up because they lack the ambition and self-respect to do so themselves?
HOWEVER, as much as i am railing about that sort of behavior, i get it and there is certainly a part of me that wants to go there as well. it was how i lived for a quarter of a century and this showing self-respect and building self-esteem through just doing the next right thing, is tough. in fact, there are some days when it is the toughest thing i do. i want to go back to the simple all for me and none for you, unless it suits my NEEDS days of living. as i romanticize how easy those days were, i forget about the overwhelming loneliness, alienation and isolation that sort of behavior engendered. which brings me back to the top. like my sponsee i want to act one way, but i feel the tug to return to those days of yore, where it was your job to build me up and my job to enjoy the ride of using you to do so. when you got tired, there was always another sucker in the wings.
where does tall, of this lead to? well today i have a choice. in reality, i no longer need the approval of others to be comfortable in my own skin, today i can help someone else achieve that same state but not necessarily the way they may THINK that it needs to be done. i will continue to tell the truth but i will listen and only speak up when asked directly about a topic, reserving my opinion despite my desire to fix what is apparently so broken that it looks beyond repair. in the meantime, the next right thing for me to do, is shower and head on over to work, as my bills will not get paid by themselves today.

∞ DT ∞