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once again, i hear something that seems more than a bit one-off of what the reading is talking about. what i heard was that i can behave my way into better thinking, citing a very specific behavior that i do share with others and generalizing it into a global statement about the direction that recovery may take me in. okay, i have to 'fess up, gossip does trigger something inside me, and i get a vicarious thrill even when i am passively participating in that behavior. what, passively participating? OH YEAH! as time goes by, as i work a step or twelve and as i get more grounded ion practicing the spiritual principles of this program, aeing an active participant in gossip, that is repeating what i heard, has become abhorrent to me. as long as i am “just” listening or even better eavesdropping, i can deny i am gossiping. well once i strip off the lie, and it is a lie, it does take more than one person to gossip, and allowing someone to tell gossip, or actively seeking to listen to gossip, makes me an active participant, even if i never say a word of it to anyone. the best part is i can boost my self-esteem in two ways. the first is mentioned in the reading, by comparing myself to the object of the gossip, i can be “better than”, and secondly by not spreading it, i can demonstrate how much“weller” i am than the person or persons i am listening to.
TA-DA, the magic of active addiction continues under the guise of recovery. that is not what i heard this morning when i took some time to let go and listen. what it was that i heard, is how many other covert behaviors do i have rolling around in my repertoire that prevent me from growing into the person i am becoming. which led me to a brief inventory of my miscommunications with the purported normal world. i was firing one off, the past two weeks and wondering what the fVck was wrong with those around me. i forgot my two a$$hole rule, that if i encounter two more a$$holes in any one day, than i might be the problem. where that is leading to, is that it is not those who believe they are normal that may be the problem it is me. i am acting out and am showing no concern for what may be going on in their lives. which is the gist of the seed of this writing. i CAN replace my negative sense of self, which has been bubbling under the surface, with a positive concern for others, especially those who are fighting for the livelihoods and do not get that i might actually be able to help. better put, i am not presenting the fact that i CAN help in a manner that they can understand, so it only leads to greater frustration and stress on their part, which of course feeds my negative sense of self by making me feel better at their expense. quite the twisted little set of covert behaviors.
so am i still a sick pup? you betcha! is there HOPE for me? without a doubt, especially after coming to see what is really going on with me. any time i can see the trees for the forest, as the the old bromide goes, there is more than a fighting chance that i can get through this with my recovery intact and become a stronger, more complete person as a result.
where do i go from here? well into the showers of course, ready to face the world with a better understanding that yes i still can be my worst critic, yes i may still fight the critic with behaviors designed to demean others so i can look better, BUT as long as i am wares of those behaviors i CAN get better today and build on my recovery, in the here and now. so off to those showers i go.

∞ DT ∞