Blog entry for:

to tear someone down to build myself up. so far, this week is shaping up to be one of those, where i cannot do anything correctly, get anything done, or even be present for my life. some days, and it seems like every day this week, it just does not pay to get up out of bed.
WAH - WAH - WAH
with the whiny mood set, i can continue along my not so merry way this morning. oh i could talk about what i heard or did not hear at the meeting last night, but on my judge's ledger, it was a positive balance, i had only one person who made me wish i has the 7.5 minutes they rambled on back again. i actually sat and listened and although the usual suspects were all there, in the long run, i felt better for having gone to the meeting, than if i had not. the times they be a-changin' and that may be the last Tuesday night meeting i attend for a bit of time, as my routine on Tuesdays and Wednesdays is about to get tossed out the window.
truthfully, the one share that i felt was a waste of breath last night, does make me feel grateful this morning to be alive and be certain in who and what i am. my peer, who shared? well, i feel more and more pity for them all the time, and quite honestly i do not think they have enough time left to “get this” program, but, what does that have to do with tearing others down to build myself up? i could be them, and there is a part of me that takes a bit of morbid pleasure in not being them at all. in fact when i think i am feeling grateful, it may be that i am feeling superior. when i feel superior as the satellite TV commercial suggests, i do something crazy, to cover up the fact that my superiority is in fact a front for feeling worth less than those around me. in days of future pats, a quick stab in the back or snipe barb, was more than enough to life me up, but these days, that behavior as familiar and well-practiced as it may be, is not an alternative that i want to choose to practice. i say choice, because once i have worked a SEVENTH STEP, i can no longer blame my automagic reactions for how i behave. no, today, DAMMIT, i have to take responsibility for how i CHOOSE to act, once again: WAH - WAH - WAH!
today, however, with the grace of being smacked up[side the head, with this little reading, i can be more than the a$$hole who needs to tear others down, to feel better about myself. yes i am having a bad week at work, but i still have a job. yes, my lawn has brown spots in it that are persisting even though i am watering the fVck out of it, but the weekend looms and i have time to work on it over those few days. yes my friend and sponsee, is leaving town for a job, and may be gone for up to a year, but he does have a phone and maybe a road trip to the middle of Nebraska may not be a bad thing. Tuesdays, just may become my afternoon to smoke and hang with the other 85% in the lounge or maybe, just maybe come home and be a part of the household for dinner.
dunno, and right now i do not care, what i do know, that as this is being typed out, i am starting to feel better about myself, and i will be able to write my friend who is approaching the end of his days as a ward of CDOC and let him know, that he too, is worth more than he if feeling, in the here and now. it is after all, better to build than to destroy.

∞ DT ∞