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feeds a dark hunger in me. the reading goes and speaks to the WHY of that, and much of what it says, was once upon a time, certainly an accurate reflection of who i was. even today i can still get a strange sense of satisfaction when i hear that so and so is doing their crazy sh!t again. after all, using the most tired excuse in the book, this is a process and apparently i have yet to reach sainthood.
yes, there is still a place inside of me, that desires to be better than the rest. there is a place inside me, where i can no longer settle for being second best, therefore i need to rip apart my competitors and leave them bleeding along the side of the road. whether or not that will ever be removed from who i am, is no longer a concern of mine, what does concern me however, is how to avoid acting on that desire.
as i stick around and get a few days under my belt, i begin to realize that i can rise to the top, without the elimination, through humiliation, of others. in fact i can rise to the top with a whole lot less effort, IF i just allow the process to work its magic on me.
so where do gossip and concern for others meet. i often ask about one or more of my peers, out of concern for them. perhaps i have not seen them at a meeting in a minute or so. maybe the last i heard they had done something embarrassing and were trying to fade the heat. the fact is, there are those who i care about, that i really want to know where they are and how they are doing, not to tear them down, but to reach out and give them whatever they may need to rise to the top, along with me. i often wonder, is this gossip, as most of the time these are my peers who i have not seen, or genuine concern for others? what are my motives in asking? the real question, is how can i tell? the answer i got this morning, as i sat quietly and listened was to go with my feelings. if it feels “wrong” or i feel vindicated or superior, than more than likely i am feeding that dark place and not just expressing my concern. so i do believe i will go with that, go hit the shower and get ready to roll on over to work. it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞