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someone else look bad, to assist in making me look all that much better, is a behavior i am quite familiar with and one that diminishes as i see my true value. it is true, i often comment on the behavior of my peers, in this little exercise. it is always something i see in them that i recognize in myself and my commentary, such as it is, provide me the opportunity to look at my own set of foibles and has led to the corrective part of my TENTH STEP, on a fairly regular basis. i do not feel any better when i discuss the behavior of someone else, as it brings up the internal dialogue about how “un-well” i am and especially after all this time clean. which brings me to a notion my sponse shared the other day, how the f*ck do i know where i am supposed to based on how long i have been clean?
i can see the trap that thought train can lead me into, specifically making excuses for behaviors and thoughts that i consider undesirable. instead of facing the pain of my misdeeds, i can use this as the mantra to gloss over them. of course, i could instead of using it as a panacea for all my missteps, i could use it as a tool; for giving myself a break and actually practicing some self-forgiveness. my current sponsor has never ever put his “boot up my ass,” to get me to move forward in my recovery process. that is not to say i never have had a boot up my ass, but most of time that boot is mine. the irony here is the very tools that are “supposed” to help me grow: paying attention to my peers and their behavior, being present for what i am feeling and striving to apply spiritual principles in my daily life; can be a double-edged sword, depending on how i choose to use them.
which brings me back to the top, making myself feel better by diminishing the worth of others.yes my peers do some pretty insane things. i am far from one to be throwing stones as the glass house i live in, is just as vulnerable to getting stoned. realistically, looking at my stuff as i compare it to theirs is an exercise i do all the time, seemingly without respite. i can bury my judgements under a beautiful pile of spiritual camouflage, wrap it up with a nice red ribbon and ll i will still have is a well presented pile of sh1t. where i seem to be heading, as i prepare to wrap this up, is towards a place of forgiveness. i can forgive my peer their foibles and as i do so, i can learn to forgive myself. just for today, i can practice keeping my judgements to myself as i walk through the day ahead.

∞ DT ∞