Blog entry for:

of self-pity, is a state i can still work myself into, especially when my expectations does not match reality. ironically a peer who has become a friend, from way back when i first got clean, sent me a photo of me, that was taken hours after my last use. at that time i thought i was doing a pretty good job of fronting recovery and was telling everyone who would listen that i had six months clean and i had been “struck” clean. i hated being forced into a life of not using and thought i had figured out a great cadence of using and getting away with it. one may call it the “will of GOD” or a miracle, but my body betrayed me four days later and i got a “hot” UA. that was the impetus that put me on this path, even if i did everything i could do, to bide my time until my sentence to recovery expired.
i have chronicled my struggles with being a victim and more than once the morass of self-pity i made my life, in early recovery. what i discovered is once i stop pretending i was all “pink-cloudy” and accepted that i might need a new outlook on how to live my life, things actually got better for me. it is that experience that raises doubts in my mind, when i hear the newest of my peers, sharing about how great life in early recovery is for them. before i forget, a peer, who calls me his sponsor and is becoming a friend, deserves a quick bit of recognition:

BRO BRO (Chicken Man)
366 days (1 year) clean!
Congrats my friend.
Thank you for helping me stay clean another day.

this morning, after the terrible day at work i had yesterday, i did throw myself into that stew of self-pity and wondered why i do what i do. of course, part of my attitude was a reaction to world events. i may not be full of of angst and anxiety about pandemics, protest, riots, racism, divisive politics or natural disasters, but that does not mean i am unaffected. no matter how hard i try to deny it, i am affected by all of that and much, much more. the path for this addict, is to get out of denial and admit that even though i am powerless over all that and more, i am not just “letting it go.” i am also carrying a load of that around and i am grateful that i can see that and allow myself the FREEDOM to admit to my innermost self that i am not immune.
i am in a good place this morning. i have a job. i am getting a paycheck. i am progressing from walking to running. i have peers, friends, family and acquaintances that are supporting me in my recovery and a POWER that fuels my recovery that provides for my needs. in this moment that is a certainty that even though i NEVER thought i wanted this life, i am grateful for finding my way here and sticking around.

∞ DT ∞