Blog entry for:

after a whirlwind trip out to Nebraska and back again, i am finally getting around to pounding this little exercise out. today i have not gossiped and may actually may through the day without doing so. i would love to say that when i speak of others and the reality of their lives, i do so only out of concern for them. consciously that may be what i tell myself, but what i lurking beneath the surface in my twisted unconscious self, that has yet to accept what i am all about today? oh i could go there, question my motives on every turn of a phrase, or i could just accept, that it is not now my intention to destroy others to build my fragile self-esteem. yes the road to perdition is paved with good intentions, so that is merely the starting place. it could be, that from time to time, out of jealousy, envy of feelings of low self-worth, i could use my knowledge of what others do or did to do them harm. what it boils down to, is what are my motives in the here and now, when i comes to talking about someone else. am i responding to a question between myself and another peer in private confidence, or am i broadcasting their shite all over the local fellowship. those are at the extremes and the answers to those to cases are something Captain Obvious could elucidate upon. it is of course, all the shades of grey in between, with compositions of yin and yang. an announcement between a few friends that may seem malicious, might provide others the information they need to protect themselves. a private aside to a peer, may just be the opening salvo in a bout of character assassination. learning to figure out how to traipse through this minefield when it comes to my relationships with others, has become a focus of mine, especially as i finished up my last set of steps and now, learning how to be present in my spiritual life, living in the here and now, instead of living by default, it will take even a greater preeminence.
today, as i move forward in the latter half odf this waking period, i will pay attention to what it is i am saying, who i am saying it to, and what i am feeling before and after i say it. the simple stink test? is this building someone up or tearing someone down? if it is the latter, is it necessary at all or am i covering up for something inside of me? lots of stuff toi think about as i walk back out into the real world and it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞