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gossip, and backstabbing are behaviors that i have loathed in myself for a very long time. before working steps 6 and 7, i thought that these behaviors were such an integral part of me that i was doomed to live them forever.
some step work, a few days clean, and the loving guidance of those who have gone before me, has shown that these behaviors are not a part of me but rather a reaction of how i view myself. i understand this distinction today but when i was actively using, i would have argued that i actually thought quite well of myself, i was without faults and actually better than everyone else in my life, hence entitled to spread shit around.
these days i know that i have yet to achieve perfect self-acceptance and the level of self-esteem that comes from that acceptance. but i do not have to destroy to build my fragile ego, i can choose to be a positive force in the lives of those i touch daily. what is the pay off?? another day clean, growing self-esteem and the ability to choose how i will act today. does not seem like much for all that effort, but the value of those gifts are immeasurable.
∞ DT ∞