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by living a lie, i am saying that i cannot live with the truth about myself. the more i hide my real self, the more i damage my self-esteem. this happens to be one of my favorite readings. no, i am no longer one of those who **likes** or **dislikes** any particular passage in the daily meditation book. for me, that whole process of assigning a value to the reading is irrelevant and shallow. no when i say favorite, at least in this respect, is that this particular reading struck a chord in me, even in the end stages of my active addiction. to this day, i remember that feeling when i first read this passage. in fact it was one of my regularly scheduled days to get high the summer of 1997. but i have covered that ground before, and need not do so today.
the irony of this, is that as i progress into my NINTH STEP, it is important to remember the cycles that drive my fragile self-esteem and work to break them. i am more honest and open about who i am these days, but there is still a part of me, who feels that i must remain hidden so that i can appear **deep and mysterious!** that was how i wanted to look in active addiction because somewhere i got the notion that was the easiest mask to wear, and then what i said would be taken that much more seriously. so to break the cycle that damages my self-esteem, i need to behave in a manner that is consistent with how i feel. i hate giving up my poker face, even to this day i like the self-image of **deep and mysterious,** but i know that i may be deep but i am far from mysterious. so part of my NINTH STEP work will be to shred this particular mask and become the person i was meant to be, deep or not. anyhow i have bunches to accomplish before i take off for a few days, so off to the workout circuit i go.

∞ DT ∞