Blog entry for:

insecurity, and lack of identity -- certainly are at the top of the litany of behaviors that define this addict, even with a few days clean. yes, i am back in the saddle again and even though my plans for the way things would go this morning have been altered because i CHOSE to allow my **work** computer to be updated -- DANG IT ALL -- i can write this little ditty without needing to hit the pavement for my daily “constitutional.”of course the moment i write that, the update is done.
if i was to start something off in a manner that i find a bit off-putting from my peers, i would have to say, that this reading has always been one of my top ten favorites. from that first summer in the rooms, before i got clean, up until and through today. way back when, it was the internal smirk that i had when i thought i was getting away with something. i was well beyond being in compliance and believed i had my plan to “mask” being in active addiction from everyone — the members in the rooms, my probation officer, and my counselors in treatment. i believed i had them all fooled and carelessly believed that my plan was in place for my return to the “life.” the unabashed joy i took in wearing the mask was enhanced by this reading, as i could prove how superior i was over all of those “fools.” six weeks later, well you know the story by now, my world came crashing down and here i am a few days later, with this recovery program infused into my being and bones.
one may wonder, why after that set of experiences, would this reading still be on the top of my list? i can say for certain, that it reminds me of who i am, where i came from and more importantly, one of the biggest issues i face today— being comfortable enough with myself to show that self to the world around me. i still find myself trapped in the DESIRE to not “found out.” i still see myself as that pathetic fraud who only knows how to talk the recovery talk and has no ability whatsoever to actually implement that “talk” into my daily life. what i lack is the perspective to see what once was, is no more. it is true that i am no spiritual giant, beams of amazing wisdom do not flow out of my every pore and i cannot walk on water. it is also true, that most of the time, i CHOOSE to do the next right thing, even when no one is watching, just beacuse it is the next right thing. it is also true, that i tell on myself to allow my peers to know that i understand where i fall a bit short and what i need to work on. the masks i have worn across the course of my recovery, also need to go. i NEED that reminder today. i am okay with being who i am and showing the world and my peers in recovery that person, just for today.

∞ DT ∞