Blog entry for:

built to protect me while using, might also protect me in recovery.
although i joke about my evil twin brother Raoul, i never, ever allowed anyone to know that i used his persona when i was using. he was my Sybil experience and allowed me to do all sorts of things, that i still knew were wrong, without consequence. i often did say that was my evil twin that was here last night, when called out about my behavior, but i made it perfectly clear that was just a joke. Raoul, got his name in early recovery, because once i stopped using, it became clear to me, what a nut job i had become, including person who had fractured into several living breathing personas.
with all of that said, as i became a whole person and acknowledged that all of those separate personalities were all, actually me, i wanted to escape from the dam age i had caused, even when i was working so hard to prevent myself from ever being blamed. worst of all, i did not recognize that whole me, and wanted to retreat into one of those many comfortable skins, that i so carefully developed in active addiction. from time to time, i still have that same desire. even though i know that they are false fronts, at least when i am walking in one of those skins, i am not vulnerable and i get a respite form being a living, feeling and most importantly caring human being. the unfortunate part, or is it the blessing, of recovery, is that less and less i feel that need and more and more, as i get to know the man i have become. more and more i see him for who he really is, the less and less do i have any desire to be anyone else. which in my world is quite an accomplishment.
the fact that i have walked around in a different skin, for quite some time was evident last night as i met with one of the men i now sponsor, who was once a grand-sponsee. as he read through his step work, i could see that he was apprehensive and tenuous about his answers. at first i thought it was because we had never been through his writing before and we just had not got used to a pattern of questions and discussion about his answers. i know that was part of it, my style of sponsoring is a bit different than his previous sponsor's style and we will learn to click on that level. however, afterwards as we completed his work, and hugged, he did admit that he saw me as 'the source' of recovery, here in the local fellowship and seemed to hold me in much higher esteem than anyone else in the recovery community, save his former sponsor. i know when i was in his shoes, way back when i started working with my sponsor, i was always afraid that my step work was inadequate and sub-par. it took me some time to get over who i thought he was and get to know him for who he is, and in that process, he helped me, by just being himself and not the guru of recovery i thought he was, the source, as it were from which all wisdom flowed. over time, he helped me to see, that yes, he was an addict just like me, and the only REAL difference between us, is he came to recovery long before i ever begin to suspect that i might just have a problem. ironically, now that the shoe is on the other foot, metaphorically anyhow, it is amazing the set of feeling is am having and i now get why Carlos was so kind back in the day, because that is who he is, and it is up to me to be who i am, as i begin to work with men, with whom i have so carefully crafted this image of being something more. certainly an interesting thought to end on and head on over to work with, running through me head. it is a good day, to be who i am and allow others to find out for themselves what that may mean.

∞ DT ∞