Blog entry for:

not exactly what i thought i would be writing about, when i reads this entry today. my first thought was that i might be going down the path of living lies and hiding who i am. after sitting, reading the news, and devouring my breakfast, what came to me, was all about the **complete** person i am in the process of becoming. before i get too far down any path, i survived my procedure yesterday, anesthesia and all. i can say that i did not enjoy the experience and i will not have to go back for another three years, unless, of course, the pathology exam indicates something else needs to be done. for all the HOO-HAH i made about that “event” i am pleasantly surprised that when reality struck, it ended-up being just what was. no “freebie,” shame or hangover.
back to the top, seeing myself as a complete person. i have shared in this space, more than once, about my seemingly overwhelming desire to look good, in the eyes of my peers, friends, acquaintances and family members. false humility, often drives me to over-emphasize the liability parts and downplay my assets. learning to balance how i share about who i am and what i think that person has going for him has been quite the process and that dark and twisty path has been fraught with peril for me. the fact is, it feels as if, at times, i have some sort of split personality, thew angel and the devil, as it were. combining those two halves into something that is greater than the sum, is what i am feeling needs to be my task these days. as i deflate the notions i have about myself, some of them rooted in events and attitudes that are several decades old, i get to allow my “true” to shine through, even when i am unsure what that “self” looks like. in times like these, at least for me, it is important to just “be” the best me i can be.
yesterday, it was the impatient patient, and i let some of the staff know in no uncertain terms how displeased i was. that “exchange” came up on my 10TH step yesterday and although i do not need to make any admissions of wrong, as i was certainly correct in being a bit over-assertive in how i expressed my feelings, i do need to make an effort to guide my behavior towards a more gentle and kind mode of expression. juts as the staff member wanted to make excuses and justifications, before she finally “owned” that she failed to meet my needs, so i went down that path when i was looking at my day. the fact is, i did not yell or scream and my language was not a disrespectful, expletive-filled diatribe. could i have done better? yes i could have and will take note of that in the future. am i going to self-flagellate over it for days on end? nope, i am letting it go for now, filing it away, into my “do better next time” space and head on off for my morning workout. it si a good day to be clean and a better one to be who i am, just for today.

∞ DT ∞