Blog entry for:

after decades of being in my self-made prison of living as whoever or whatever i thought those around me, has the desire to see, my source material feels very important to me, at least in the here and now. i wholeheartedly agree the masks have got to go! as i sat this morning, i had a minute or so of listing all the ways i have disingenuous or less than whole in the recent past. i know that task is better suited to my Tenth step, in the evening, but it came up during my Eleventh Step this morning, so it must have been important enough to look at.
as i do a bit deeper dive in the here and now, i can see that i have been less than honest with my spouse about how i feel about her care of me. post-op. i do not like being patronized and i certainly do not like being treated like some sort of childlike invalid. i know that is not her intention and have been holding back saying something, because i believe all that she does is out of love and concern for me. i have tried to play the stoic strong man for all my family,peers and friends, when in fact i am scared shitless. in my own head i attempt to minimize spinning down the drain of “what-ifs” even though i go there more often than i have the desire to admit. when i stop and consider that i am in a tough place in my life, i guess attempting to keep up appearances is really the least of my concerns. at least it is not like thirteen years ago when i did not know how i was going to make my mortgage payment, but decided to go on vacation to Cancun anyhow. back then, it was important to me that i keep my dire straits on the maximum down-low and it nearly ruined everything.
where am i sitting emotionally, spiritually, financially and physically today? emotionally, i am fearful and a bit resentful to my past self, the sun-worshiper, who hated “hat hair” spiritually, grounded in my program of active recovery. financially, i could be better off, but the bills will get paid and my debt will decrease. physically, the right leg still is not hike ready, the dressing on my head is starting to itch and irk me, and everything else is healing up. in my life today, i guess i can be stoic and still admit to having more than a little bit of Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt about my prognosis. just for today, however, i will do my best to be my “true” self and not the sort of person i think others want or need to see.

∞ DT ∞