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at least some of people, some of the time was certainly my mantra and is an easy one to wear again. i need to recenter and refocus as i am far from in any sort of spiritual space, after being transferred to my 4th customer service rep and they are as useless as the first 3. to say the least i am very frustrated and ready to just hang up and move along. i truly hope that i get a survey about my customer service experience today, as i will certainly slam them to little bits and pieces. so one more customer service call to go and i am trying to return to a spiritual state before i talk to them. well of course the voice prompts do not like the hospital name that provided me the bad billing information and i am on hold again.
back to the topic at hand, for the longest time, even in recovery, i wanted my peers to see me as some sort of super recovery guru. my motives for service were quite mixed and i learned to parrot the “party line” flawlessly. as i grew in recovery and my program took on a life of its own, i saw more and more that i was less and less able to maintain that particular illusion and had to learn that being a big fish in a very small pond was not going to serve me well moving forward. of course my next move was to throw up a cloak of false humility, as that seemed to be the easier, softer way. yet another mask to boost my esteem through my perception of how my peers saw me. in the long run that failed me as well and as i worked through my last set of steps, i finally began to catch a glimpse of who i was and my relationship to the fellowship and my peers.
am i perfectly open and without artifice now? not hardly, but i have made serious progress towards seeing myself as i am and allowing others to see that same person. years of practice of being who i am not, takes some time to remove. do the masks have to go? yes sir! will they be gone today, probably not, but each day i live as i am, i get less reliant on what others think of me.

∞ DT ∞