โ by living a lie, i am saying โ
Posted: Tue, Jul 24, 2012 09:09:59 AM
that i cannot live with the truth about myself, which just happens to be the truth these days. the feelings and the uncoveries inherent in a decent FOURTH STEP effort has got me to a place where i am so NUCKING FUTS that it is hard to even walk a day in my skin. of course, i have been around long enough that i know how to walk the walk and in a tight place, look like i am walking the walk, when actually on the inside all i want to be is someone else. 36 hours from now, all of this will be… i want to say gone, but in reality a better turn of the phrase would be put into context, so that i can begin the personality change that is the sixth and seventh step process.
today, the mask that i am wearing is keeping me from doing all sorts of damage, to myself, and to those i love. the mask i am wearing is keeping me from ripping more than a few whiny folks a brand new orifice through which they can defecate. the mask is keeping me from tearing myself apart in a blaze of glory and i am grateful that here is the one of those times that i can act “as if” and be okay with it. i am not pretending to be okay, i am just keeping a low profile and weighing the merits of what i have to say, most of the time, before i say anything. yes, i have reverted to a previous state, cold and aloof, which for some of the addicts i interact with, is no change at all.
understanding all of this, does not relieve the cognitive dissonance i feel, and i do not believe it should. what it does do, is put me in the mind that no matter how i feel tomorrow, i will share my FOURTH STEP and allow the FIFTH STEP process to take place in my heart as well as in my head.
so even though the dawg chewed up another pair of socks, and an overnight job failed and i had to run into town, and i am 20 minutes late getting out for my run, I AM GRATEFUL that the mask i am wearing, the one that i have put on to hide the fact of how insane i really am, will be removed very soon. my plans, so far today? well apparently not how things were meant to be. i will see if the rest of my day continues in the same vein, or if running provides me the opportunity to reset and make it through today intact.
today, the mask that i am wearing is keeping me from doing all sorts of damage, to myself, and to those i love. the mask i am wearing is keeping me from ripping more than a few whiny folks a brand new orifice through which they can defecate. the mask is keeping me from tearing myself apart in a blaze of glory and i am grateful that here is the one of those times that i can act “as if” and be okay with it. i am not pretending to be okay, i am just keeping a low profile and weighing the merits of what i have to say, most of the time, before i say anything. yes, i have reverted to a previous state, cold and aloof, which for some of the addicts i interact with, is no change at all.
understanding all of this, does not relieve the cognitive dissonance i feel, and i do not believe it should. what it does do, is put me in the mind that no matter how i feel tomorrow, i will share my FOURTH STEP and allow the FIFTH STEP process to take place in my heart as well as in my head.
so even though the dawg chewed up another pair of socks, and an overnight job failed and i had to run into town, and i am 20 minutes late getting out for my run, I AM GRATEFUL that the mask i am wearing, the one that i have put on to hide the fact of how insane i really am, will be removed very soon. my plans, so far today? well apparently not how things were meant to be. i will see if the rest of my day continues in the same vein, or if running provides me the opportunity to reset and make it through today intact.
∞ DT ∞