Blog entry for:

one day until the end of my career at my current employer, there is a bit of FEAR about my uncertain future, as well as a bit of a concern about **who** i will be at my new place of employment. it has literally been years since i have been in a development role and my skills are not as sharp as i would like them to be. throw that on top of this on top of my life after FIFTH STREP and i see a recipe for disaster. fret and worry will get me nowhere./ i have spent enough of my life spinning in circles because i was afraid to use the power i had, to do something different and that behavior is no longer acceptable to me. figuring out how to move forward as the person i never believed i was, is a tricky proposition, especially when i am not “feeling” what i think i “should” be feeling. the death of my friend and peer, has left me numb, sad for sure, but none of what i think are the appropriate feelings for grieving have come upon me, even though i am quite certain he is not coming back. i guess the “why” is not important and i just have to be okay with the fact, that is exactly what i am feeling.
this morning, while i sat and during my shorti8sh trot around the neighborhood, what struck me the hardest was, even if i am not certain of who i am, the one thing i can trust is my heart. it is okay to be numb. it is okay to feel an emptiness that was once filled by a perfectly flawed human being and it is not okay for me to speak about the man, behind his mask. more than once i saw and fell victim to that person, but it was just part of him and not anywhere close to who he really was. taking a lesson from his sudden and unforeseen demise, i have resolved to live my life a bit fuller and allow myself the freedom to stumble my way into my new identity, that has been hiding under the lie that defined me for so long. i know i am a flawed human being. i know that i will step on a few toes today. i also know that if allow myself to just be, i will get through whatever social situations i choose to be a part of.
it is, however, time to get moving down the road. i have a sense of balance, once again in my life. i do not know if that comes form exercising far too much, twice daily meditation or doing my best to live an active program of recovery. quite simply, whatever floats my recovery boat, today, is good enough for me. i may not have to settle for being less, but i do have accept those who choose to settle, at face value. it is a GR8 day to be clean and walk with my head high, wearing my recovery on my outside and letting my outsides match my insides.

∞ DT ∞