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i need to be free of my masks and free to trust myself. genuine, is what comes to mind here. why now, and why that particular word? interesting questions, to answer the first part, that word has been part of my life since i completed my last SEVENTH STEP. it is part of the vision i have of the man i wish to become, so it is not necessarily just now, now is just a good time to talk about it, and i guess i have also answered the second part. if striving to fulfill the vision of the person i wish to become is a task worth making an effort to achieve, than it does behoove me to be familiar with the terms i use to describe that vision. i do not think i have blogged about this before, and why i have chosen to keep this particular light under a bushel is beyond me, or is it?
i think the answer to that question goes directly to the topic at hand, protecting myself behind masks of any sort. i have this image built up of myself being cool, rational, logical and grounded and naturally i act in the manner to continue to meet that particular image. what scares me the most , in all honesty, is that i feel i am becoming some sort of mystic, and as a result i am resisting the changes that are going inside of as a result of this step cycle. intuitively, i feel it is not yet time to begin work on STEP 12, but i am uncertain about the nature of my spiritual landscape, and what is really opening up inside of me. so out of FEAR of being ridiculed or dismissed, i deny these spiritual changes, and play the game to look like i have always looked -- the rational man.
i am certainly a rational man, and up until know, one who could take nothing on FAITH, even the program that has created this conflict inside of me, was not something i had FAITH in for the longest time. quite honestly, when i shared at a meeting the other night that the only thing that kept me clean was the FEAR of going through the pain of my first six months of recovery again. for the first years i had a FEAR based program. FEAR has slowly, like glacially slow, been replaced by FAITH and today i have no doubt that my FAITH in the program will keep me clean and the FEAR of the pain of early recovery need not be of real concern. my works of FAITH, working the steps with a sponsor, going to meetings, talking with an addict every day, serving the fellowship that has given me this path, and surrendering to my addiction, will keep me clean and continue to provide me a path to stay clean and live a program of recovery.
living in a FAITH based program leads to only one conclusion. that my desire to appear the rational man, and my desire to allow the program to change me into the man i wish to become, are in conflict. that conflict is a reservation, a place in my life that if not resolved may lead me back to the pain of early recovery, if i am fortunate. the time has come to step-up and allow myself to be genuine, to allow myself to appear as i am, and not as i want to be seen. for someone who has lived behind the masks for so long, in and out of recovery that iis a tough thing to do, but as the saying goes a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, so today is the day to allow myself to shine through the masks and see where it takes me. it is after all, a great day to be more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞