Blog entry for:

Sun, Jul 24, 2022 09:38:28 AM


😱 not sure who 😎
posted: Sun, Jul 24, 2022 09:38:28 AM

 

i really am, even after decades clean and over a year after being freed from the pain o=f living a lie. across the course of that time, i left one job, got fired from another and am currently working on a contract that expires at the end of the year. i have been to Greece, Iceland and Ireland. i have gone through love-hate cycles with some of my family members and have shamed myself into believing that it was wrong not to “like” is love. looking at where i am this morning as i prepare to go trot out a 10K loop around the 'hood, i know that knowing that i still do not know a whole lot about who i am, is not a bad place to be, at least i am not Fucked-up Insecure Neurotic and Emotional.
all of that , while certainly wonderful, was not exactly what popped off the stack this morning. Lady Madonna by the Beatles, bubbled up from the depths, especially the line “see how they run…” at first i could not find any relevance in that particular earwig, but as i walked the dawg this morning, it came to me. i spent my life running from who i was, because i was certain that no one, even those who loved me, would not like me and i would end-up lonely, alone and spending my life distracting myself with TV and social media. i do not see the fact that i got fired from a job that was above my rusty skill level as a shaming event. it was not a bright and shiny moment in my for sure, BUT, it is part of who i am and the lessons i took from that experience have helped me to become a valuable member of the team of where i work today. running from who i am not, is not part of my daily response to life on its own terms. embracing who i am, precludes having to deal with who i am not and fostering who i am becoming, reinforces that direction.
now that i am freed from the isolation of positive COVID tests, i am actually excited about returning to the office this week. i am certain that as i sit in hot, slow-moving traffic tomorrow afternoon, my enthusiasm will fade and fade quickly. i “get” be a part of the office environment and because i do not want to spend another week at home, i will be returning to COVID protocols, when i am out and about. i am pretty sure the pandemic is not over and i am no longer buying what everyone else is selling. i refuse to accept this “new normal,” and will return to what i know worked for me ⇒ masks, distance and hand-washing. my bout of COVID was a direct result of me being less than diligent in protecting myself and my loved ones from this disease and i resolve to do much, much better. once again, learning from a failure to pay attention to what is really going on in the world around me. as my laundry spins down, i will put on the rest of my kit, do my stretches and get ready to take care of my physical fitness, just for today.

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

masks and self-esteem 284 words ➥ Saturday, July 24, 2004 by: donnot
α hiding behind the masks ω 220 words ➥ Sunday, July 24, 2005 by: donnot
↔ over-sensitivity, insecurity, and lack of identity are often associated with active addiction ↔ 512 words ➥ Monday, July 24, 2006 by: donnot
∞ i use false fronts i to disguise my lack of self-esteem. ∞ 363 words ➥ Thursday, July 24, 2008 by: donnot
δ despite my fear of becoming vulnerable, i need to be willing to let go of my disguises δ 669 words ➥ Friday, July 24, 2009 by: donnot
√ i covered low self-esteem by hiding behind phony images that i hoped would fool people  460 words ➥ Saturday, July 24, 2010 by: donnot
ƒ one of the miracles of recovery is the recognition of myself ƒ 331 words ➥ Sunday, July 24, 2011 by: donnot
≈ by living a lie, i am saying ≈ 462 words ➥ Tuesday, July 24, 2012 by: donnot
¿ sometimes i believe that these false personalities, ¿ 728 words ➥ Wednesday, July 24, 2013 by: donnot
♦ the more i hide my real self, ♦ 495 words ➥ Thursday, July 24, 2014 by: donnot
ƒ fears of ƒ 793 words ➥ Friday, July 24, 2015 by: donnot
👹 phony images 👺 742 words ➥ Sunday, July 24, 2016 by: donnot
🚮 the masks 🚮 575 words ➥ Monday, July 24, 2017 by: donnot
🌟 hoping to fool 🌠 412 words ➥ Tuesday, July 24, 2018 by: donnot
🤒 over-sensitivity, 🤯 545 words ➥ Wednesday, July 24, 2019 by: donnot
😇 assets and liabilities 😈 561 words ➥ Friday, July 24, 2020 by: donnot
🎭 lack of identity 🎭 540 words ➥ Saturday, July 24, 2021 by: donnot
🌜 goodwill is 🌛 628 words ➥ Monday, July 24, 2023 by: donnot
🌊 free to trust myself 🌊 477 words ➥ Wednesday, July 24, 2024 by: donnot
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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 2

1) Scholars of the highest class, when they hear about the Tao, earnestly
carry it into practice. Scholars of the middle class, when they have
heard about it, seem now to keep it and now to lose it. Scholars of
the lowest class, when they have heard about it, laugh greatly at
it. If it were not (thus) laughed at, it would not be fit to be the
Tao.