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the more i damage my self-esteem. oh i could go on and on, but the reality of the situation is living THE lie, that somehow, being adequate is more than enough, has come to be unacceptable to me today. yes, i said believing that being adequate was sufficient, is unacceptable to me. it certainly is NOT, and before i twist and spin the definition away, i need to accept, that of course i will not be the BEST at anything, but that fact, should NOT keep me from striving towards being the BEST!
i know that there is a current theory today, that runs through society that comparing and competition damages fragile self-esteem, and everyone IS entitled to be esteemed by everyone else. being politically correct, stems from this theory and it is rooted in the touchy-feely, new age philosophies that grew out of the once upon a time hippy stuff. the sad truth is all of that is a bullsh!t myth, and actually prevents me from becoming self-realized. the harsh reality is that not everyone has my best interests at heart, i certainly do not esteem everyone else. it may be true that “all i need is love,” but a healthy does of running for the roses is not a bad thing either. i am coming to accept that life on life's terms does not come easy 100% of the time, and i am no less than anyone else, when i struggle through stuff that others seem to come by naturally, it is just who i am, at this very moment in time.
once i realize that, then and only then, can i walk as i really am, through the minutes that make up my days. the more i show others who i am, the better i feel about myself and the less i have to explain and rationalize away the things that are not as perfect as i might want them to be. being “good enough,” is not good enough for me today, i want to be better! of course i could go on, but once again, my artificial constraint of what time i want to be at work is is ringing in my ears and it is time to start the process of heading southwest. i DO know who i want to be today, and that does not include the sh!t that walked into the rooms, all those days ago, and sat there with a chip on his shoulder, certain that he was so fVcking important, that everyone was running to probation to rat him out. when i look at that man, i see the absurdity of who i thought i was, and how pathetic i really was and am grateful i have a course of real action that continues to make me over into something i never believed was possible, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞