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...in the experience of my fellow recovering addicts and my ever-improving contact with my Higher Power. i can live differently if i choose. this theme seems to be cropping up a whole lot lately. all of a sudden, i see that unless i take suggestions and actively live the program on a daily basis, i will remain stuck forever in an endless series of dead-end passages. i keep hearing other addicts sharing how much recovery they have, and even if they have used, they still claim to have something worth sharing with others -- namely their near recovery experiences. i do not want to be one of those, and part of avoiding that particular fate, is to do this little brain dump on a mostly daily basis. i want to be more than i was, although i am not disappointed with my progress today,some days, today being one of those. i fell like i may be missing out on something. some grand secret that will reveal the design of my life and the direction my recovery needs to take. today, i question whether my judgment about what i have been witness to over the past few months is reality, or some demented twist of my addict brain, working to separate me from the ‘winners’
so a quick inventory of what i have been seeing and what i felt seems to be in order now.

1. decades of clean time, no sponsor, no active step work -- a constant need for formal control of processes
2. just over eighteen months clean, hitting on a newcomer, holding every service position imaginable and being unable to fulfill any of those commitments, and sharing about how much recovery they have
3. 5 days clean -- sharing that the reason for relapse was that they did not share what they had enough
4. nearly two decades clean -- working steps with a sponsor -- serving the fellowship and allowing the process to happen under their guidance
5. over two decades clean -- actively working steps with a sponsor -- working to create something that will allow our fellowship to grow and possibly attract new members to service
6. 6 days clean and attending seven meetings in seven days to show their willingness to change

well i would say that my intuition had been pretty spot on, i can see the ‘winners’ and i can choose to distance myself from those in such denial that they are incapable at this time of being freed from active addiction. the saddest part of all, is that in each of those members i see myself, i see who i have been, and who i could become, and that angers me on a profound level, as there is nothing i can do to help them to see what they could become if only they would let go of the illusion that clean time of any length equals recovery. i know that comfortable feeling, and i also have seen that active in my life from time to time in my recovery, in fact all of those behaviors are ones that i myself have engaged in in the not so distant past. but anyhow, my daily inventory last night sent me in this direction and i am certain that this evening it will be echoed again. what am i waiting for? well part of me wants confirmation via a sign or something, and the rest of me knows intuitively what the answer is, and i all need to do is accept it and move on. and right here and right now, i do believe that is just what i will do.

∞ DT ∞