Blog entry for:

by taking a regular -- as in daily -- inventory, was never, ever something i thought i would do. as i saw it, there was never anything i did wrong enough to have to **own** much less repair. the blame machine was constantly playing in my head and whatever bit and pieces of bad behavior i might have done, was ALWAYS the fault of someone else. as i stay clean, just for today i GET to learn how to look at what i do and how i live and make course corrections as necessary.
sitting here this morning, i have been presented with a dilemma, how can i take the tough and necessary actions that are part of my responsibility without hurting someone else? i went down this path at least twice before BUT, there was a “but,” in all those previous attempts. i wanted to blame those how put me into that position on both sides, when i fact, i made the decision i did, without any input from others, based on my own experience. i can choose to feel sad about what i did, and i do, but feeling sad just may have been the purpose of the communication i received this morning, or maybe it was just a stating their case. i can say, that it felt “manipulative,” whether it was meant to be that way or not, is not my stuff. i did peek at my actions the other night, after i was put into a position by choices i made. i saw my part in it and knew that like all actions and decisions, there would be direct and indirect consequences. when i stated my case, i was willing to “fade the heat” and my willingness has not moved 1 millimeter, since i said what i said.
today, as i feel the aches and pains coming on, after my decision yesterday to scale the highest peak in Colorado, i also am certain that was the next right thing to do. i know i held back my hiking partner and i am very appreciative of his patience with me yesterday, as i was not doing well once we got above 13,000 feet above sea level. the fact that i had the “heart” to complete that climb, is a testament to his unflinching support and my “heart.” i can say this, there is nothing like the feeling of accomplishment, i feel, when i look around from the “top of the world.” as i sit here on my second day of paid vacation i feel a bit more whole, a bit more genuine and a bit more accomplished as in the course of eighteen months i have gone from not being able to scale an “easy” fourteener to doing two of them, that easy one i failed on, and one of the harder ones. i am grateful for a life that gives me an opportunity to challenge myself and succeed.

∞ DT ∞