Blog entry for:

to change anything in my life that does not work. okay, i am certainly a creature of habit and when i get habituated to something, inertia, keeps me from stopping. perhaps, that is why i am still clean, regardless about what my head may tell me about whether or not this or that is socially acceptable and legal, now. i am one of those who never stopped taking an inventory, when he no longer wrote it down every single night, and i am grateful that i continue to do what i have done, nearly every single night since i did that infamous thirty day assignment over a decade ago. what is even more ironic, is i am smack dab in the middle of working a TENTH STEP at this time, and beginning to wonder, what can i do to further enhance my experience. the new questions and measures come and go, some stick, others seem to address very temporary problems and all of a sudden become redundant and pointless, kind of like that question: “am i clean today?”
seriously, would i be doing a daily inventory if i used today? the short answer is no, hell no and do not ever ask again! well maybe, as i tried to justify the beginning of my slide into active addiction, with the lies, the smoke and the mirrors that i so famously employed to feed my active addiction for all those years. worst of all, i do not have to go trolling parks and street corners, to get something i liked to use on a daily basis, i can step into a business, drop my cash on the counter and walk out with a little bit of something, that will change everything. that thought in and of itself, is certainly enough to make me sit up and take notice of the part of me i call addiction. yes, i am my addiction and my addiction is me. when i consider myself as a WHOLE, INCLUDING THE PART OF ME I CALL ADDICTION, I GET THE FREEDOM TO RECOVER AS A WHOLE. I DO NOT HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE SOME SORT OF FREAKING EXPERT, I AM!
so back to what i heard last night, as well as echoed this morning, i have not been sharing outside of my home group with any sort of frequency, unless you count ZERO times in the last month, as a frequency. one of my friends and peers in recovery called me out privately last week, as well as last night, specifically asking if i was ever going to open my mouth again. well now, it is starting to bother me, why is it that now, i am all of a sudden so reticent and quiet, when i certainly have very strong opinions and am quite vocal about them, in private or in the meeting after the meeting. that feels like something i need to start asking myself as part of my daily inventories, as i feel that there may be a new question coming down the pike, such as: “did i share in a meeting today? if not, why not?”
anyhow on that note i think i will move along down the road and head on over to work., after all, part of the reward of doing a daily inventory is that i do have to scrape a balloon to get well enough to go to work.

∞ DT ∞