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will lead me to the very insights that have eluded me throughout my life. one might say that the last thing i was, when i arrived at the rooms was open-minded. it is true i was not a whole lot of other thing, but probably the largest detriment to me accepting recovery was the gig for me, was my closed mind. i have heard it said more than once, that it takes what it takes, even though back then i was clueless about what that meant. today, i see that for me anyhow, i had to stumble and fall flat on my face often enough to begin to consider an alternative path for me. i was living in a world of alternate facts, denying the reality of what was going on in my life. i was quite confident that i had enough self-knowledge to get through that pile of legal troubles i had, without the aid of any of the Twelve Steps or those who were in the rooms. after all, more than once i stopped using this or that, so i was certain just hanging with folks who were not using was going to be more than enough. BOY WAS I WRONG!
i do understand the warm comfort of the shit pile of denial. living in the real world, may not be as comfortable or even as predictable as the “bad old days,” but i get to find a way to be the sort of person i often imagined myself to be, outside of my very rich fantasy life. 🤪 i may not appreciate in real-time the feedback i get from my peers, my family members and my co-workers, but at least i do not immediately discard what they are trying to tell me. when the sting of what they said wears off, i can evaluate and make corrections in whatever direction that i may have been lacking in. recovery has taught me that i am not some sort of immutable object and that the mountain is not going to come to me. IF i want more, i have to be aware and present, take what i am given and make the alterations that may be required.
today is the day i get my results and hopefully the dressing on my scalp removed. i cannot wait to shampoo my hair and let water run over my entire head. by twelve thirty i will either be doing my happy dance or crying in my coffee. that outcome may be determined but has yet to be revealed to me. i am a bit apprehensive even though i have a clue or three about what is coming down the pike from the cancer dude. anyhow, i need to get i bit of work done before my meeting with my boss in fifteen minutes. life is good and i am grateful i can open my mind to the possibilities this day may bring.

∞ DT ∞