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well, just for yesterday, i certainly found it a useful task to end my day, so much so, that just for today, i will end my day with a 10TH STEP inventory once again. even when i was stuck in the 30 days in a row hell of my very first 10TH STEP in the fellowship that has become my home, i discovered the benefits of what a regular inventory did for me. the !10TH Step and my application of it, in my daily life, is better than a soporific in allowing me to sleep. another benefit of this practice is that when i roll around to another 9TH Step. as i will sooner or later, i no longer discover that my amends list has increased in an order of magnitude form the last one. i can go on, singing the praises of my daily inventories, such as a guide top what i am doing better, and well as not so well, what was different than the day before in my attitudes and feelings and of course, where i need to go back and correct a wrong. i will not be staying on what i get from a regular inventory for much longer, as the reading and what i have enumerated so far, is certainly more than adequate.
shifting gears, one of the main benefits, the ability to fall asleep very quickly after my head hits the pillow, and stay asleep through out the night, is so big for me. i was ALWAYS one who ran every event, interaction and deed, that comprised my day, over and over and over again as i attempted to fall asleep. the “should haves”, “could haves,” and “would haves” kept me spinning many a night even through most of my recovery. replaying my day ad infinitum, did very little to advance my spiritual growth, in fact, at least in my case, it made things worse, as i attempted to control my character defects and hold on tight to the shortcoming that arouse out of them. living in that world of untapped probabilities and “forks in the road” created a sort of manic state in which i would over-analyze each and every decisions and interaction in real-time, and often ending up with a default action, because i was paralyzed in indecision and fear. yes it is and was FEAR that made me freeze like a deer in headlights. not that a regular inventory has reduced the indecision and fear that is part of my life, but it does give me a better way of dealing with it, in near real time. i also have come to realize that there are always consequences, some i find to my liking, others not so much, even when i am frozen in indecision there are consequences and learning to act decisively is something i am certainly more about, these days.
do i always fall asleep without replaying my entire day through me head? do i always live in the world of taken opportunities, tote presence and making decisions that i can abide by? not by a freaking long-shot, i do however have the path to doing so, just for today. since i have moved past the world of “good” and “bad” at least with respect to my actions during the day, evaluating the shades of gray becomes more relevant to me, as i stay clean. my tool for putting those shadows of gray into perspective is a daily and regular 10TH STEP inventory, as i am totally and irrevocably hooked on that action.

∞ DT ∞