Blog entry for:

i give myself the opportunity to change anything in my life that does not work.
BUT i would much rather take the inventory of someone else right now! actually two other someones, and i will vent a bit because i feel the need to. the first someone used me as his alibi to go out and get loaded. i really do not mind being the scapegoat of another addict who chooses to use, after all, i know i can be caustic and cold, and have been known to be a member of the recovery gestapo in the past. but being used as an alibi as well as being called while the addict was on his way down to get what he needed to help set-up his alibi is something i cannot and will not tolerate. right now i am full or anger, and wondering whether i can forgive an addict who is using for using me as part of this trip through using again. the second someone i am seething over is a member from another fellowship who whined at length about how the meeting she attended last night was unlike any that she was used to. there the gestapo wanted to come out and bitch slap her for not realizing that the fellowship in which i recover is not that other one, has no ties to the other one except for fifty years ago when we needed to form our own fellowship. what really torques me off the most was that i could not, as a trusted servant of the fellowship that has given me this new life, let her have it with both barrels of the fellowship gestapo machine inside of me. i had to be loving and kind and choose my words with calm rationality instead of with the passion i feel for the fellowship i have learned to recover in.
so did i really take someone el;s’s inventory? well sort of, what i really did was express my anger and own my feelings, kind of like what i need to do on a daily basis with my tenth step inventory. yes i have more than enough feelings in my life today and yes i hate caving into my anger and acting-out. sometimes it just feels good to vent a bit and if you are reading this wondering what is up, let me tell you this. today i know who and what i am. a person recovering from the horrors of active addiction. and as a person i can feel all sorts of things and some of them very passionately. learning how to express those passionate feelings in an acceptable manner is the trick and today i believe i have done so with a minimum of damage. when asked by the addict in relapse if i can and will forgive him his behavior i do not know what i will say, i feel right now that my words are unimportant, what is important is that he finds a way to accept who and what he is and find a solution that he can adapt his life to, just as i have at least for today!

∞ DT ∞