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exercise in futility. as this seems to be today. i just closed out my browser while i was still going strong about insanity. the notion that if i do something the same way, that somehow the outcome will be totally different. that may be true when i purchase a PowerBall ticket, as most of the time, if i win something it is less than $5.00. that seems to be the exception not the rule, and the insanity that has invaded my personal space comes in a few different flavors.
although expectations was the topic of the reading yesterday, i had higher expectations three days ago, when i assisted a friend, getting another friend out of county lock-up. the recently freed friend, lived up to lowest expectations and promptly disappeared into the ether he was inhabiting before. the friend who put up his resources? well the last i heard he felt burned, spurned and suckered. i can say when that little topic popped up on my inventory last night, there was remorse for giving bad advice, disappointment in letting go of my negative expectations and a feeling of distrust and more than a bit of sadness at the outcome. the next time, if ever, i hear from the recently freed friend, i will certainly let him know that he burned yet another bridge and one of the few who actually believed in him, has lost that feeling, i will not be played for a sucker and i will no longer consul anyone else to be played that way as well. talk about a painful lesson in futility, there is evidence that the lie of “once an addict, always an addict,” is not totally dead yet.
another bit of craziness and not necessarily insanity that swirled through my head during my inventory was the idea that i NEED to present a toast this evening, in front of my peers, my friends and some out of town family members. my significant other suggested that i may want to write something down to avoid my habit of interjecting “and,uh” when i am trying to think of what i will be saying next. she really does have my best interests at heart and even though i know and accept that, i still resisted that notion. that resistance was due to pride, ego and arrogance, after all, i share all the time and am a fairly decent extemporaneous speaker. i mean seriously, who does she think she is? after letting go, i do see her point and i have what i want to say in my head and will get it down on paper before i am asked to present this evening, pride and ego have flipped this coin and i want to look good, and leave a decent impression on those in attendance.
the final piece in my insanity swirl, is the notion that i have any power over the behaviors of others. once again a close friend has taken a 48 hour vacation and once again i sit on the sidelines helplessly watching them twist with shame and guilt. my insanity is that somehow, in some way, i SHOULD have seen it coming and done SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to head it off at the pass. the truth is, as much as i would have liked to keep them from deciding that using was a good idea, i am actually without any power at all, whether i see it coming or not.
so back to the topic at hand, a daily inventory. yes i do one. yes it is part of my daily recovery routine. most importantly i truly believe that it what keeps me clean, somewhat sane and a critical part of my growth process. just for today? well just for today i will live a 100% program, move forward in what i NEED to do, and do my best to not make a total fool of myself this evening. more than enough goals to get this day going.

∞ DT ∞