Blog entry for:

that i could change the way i lived. last night i saw the second of my two once upon a time sponsees in jail, and actually spoke briefly with him. i cannot say how he felt, but i was uncomfortable, very uncomfortable at first, because i wanted to tell him that he was a friggin&$39; liar, cheat and owed me BIG TIME! what happened as he sat down beside me, is all of those feelings of resentment and anger, melted into a mosh pit of all sorts of different warring feelings, that i am not even going to take the trouble to sort out. when that instant passed, i felt calm and at peace, because i realized that part of the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, at least in that moment was for me to be present and be the best example of recovery i could be, and as a result, all the garbage i had been carrying about him, was tossed into my emotional bit bucket.
i could describe how he looked, and my opinion of what he shared, but that would take me down another route and as i am trying to be the sort of man i have always wanted to be, genuine, whole and self-aware, i think i may leave that in the bit bucket as well.although this may sound arrogant and conceited, i am a firm believer in the practice of a daily inventory, and have implemented that practice into my daily life, which for me means that i do an inventory EVERY DAY. the results of looking at how well i did or did not, augment my journey to becoming that man, allows me to act in a spiritual manner even though the part of me i call addiction wants to reach out and snuff somebody. as strange as it may seem, living a life that includes the simple suggestions of my predecessors and i am not talking about those in the so-called “mother” fellowship, i GET to find the clues necessary to be more than i ever was. i GET to see where i have strayed and not spend days beating myself up with the stick of guilt, shame and remorse for making a mistake or three, or just being human. i GET to find the things that worked and and do my best to repeat those actions tomorrow. the biggest gift, at least for me, is that i GET to see who i am, right here and right now and savor my victories and lick the wounds of my failures, without having to play all of that out in public.i GET a real-time snapshot of all that i am, and a glimpse of all i could be, which at least just for today, is not one of the cured.
yes a daily inventory, as i was taught to do by those who came before me, keeps me in the reality of my situation, that even though it has been a boatload of days since my last use, my next one is just a arm's reach away. today i may not pray until bed time, i may not speak to another person in recovery, i may not formerly work any steps and i may not read another word of the literature, but what i WILL do, is pay attention to what is happening in the here and now, and see if i make at least ten (10) decisions that are spiritually based and sit down tonight to do my daily inventory. i also know that just for today, i will not use no matter what and those men who once upon were my friends and my sponsees, but are now guests of the county, well when they return to the real world , i will be able to deal with what they may or may not want or think they need of me. just for today, i am okay waiting until next week to see what happens, because between now and then…

∞ DT ∞