Blog entry for:

i can live differently if i choose. glancing back at what i wrote a year ago and putting it into the context of today, boy was i pissed off! my observations, no matter how accurate, were still colored in the red of simmering anger. i know today, that it was me, who i was angry at, and everyone else, who took the brunt of that anger, were just targets of opportunity. whether or not they have or will change is totally up to them, for me, they have been more than instructive about the direction of my life and my recovery, but using object lessons as yardsticks or road maps of my growth, is not something i need anymore. is that one of those old destructive patterns? POSSIBLY, what it was and what it is, is irrelevant to the path i am walking now.
so who is really driving this bus? well the engine for this massive spiritual shift, is my Eleventh Step, the one i completed about six weeks ago, or better put formally completed on paper and with my sponsor, but has been working on me ever since. running this particular set of rapids has been interesting, as i have been going with the flow, and have one more small course correction to make. i do find it a coincidence that my sponse recommended a spiritual book as outside reading, then the book club comes across with a spiritual piece of fiction from my youth. i am seeing that as more of direction from the FORCE that provides what i need, call it God, Higher Power or even Dude Mon, for me those labels have absolutely no relevance, and in that context i am learning how to maintain active communications in a form that feels comfortable and natural to me. this reading was not about Step 11 nor was it about the spiritual journey forward. what i heard and need to get back to is the letting go of those patterns in my life that are no longer constructive to my continued growth and existence.
using the tool of Step 10, to spot those patterns and chart my reactions when i participate in them, is also what i heard in this particular reading. of course like everything else, this step cycle has had me drop the familiar form that i has habituated to, and find a different manner of doing my inventory, much more in alignment with where i am going, instead of tied to where i have been. quite honestly, what i am hearing as a result of my daily inventory is that i am being resistant to walking into the brave new world that is opening before me. i hear that i FEAR becoming a mystic and losing my tenuous grasp on reality. i hear that although most days i am a net positive force on the works around me, i am limiting myself through the constraint of the familiar. so as i told a sponsee yesterday, if i want something better, and i do, then i need to TRUST that HIGHER POWER and have FAITH as i surrender my will and my life into the care of that Power. what i am being given, and what i can accept are not that different, or i would not be getting those gifts. it is i, who needs to open his heart and his soul to accept in totality what the universe is offering me.
anyhow, the time has come to go brave this chilly morning and fulfill my need to see the world at 7 MPH once again. i will leave you with this thought, even to i resist, each and every day i am more willing to become what i will become, whether it is part of my expectations or not.

∞ DT ∞