Blog entry for:

especially after the covering up and deception i practiced. okay, i altered that last bit, because i have practiced dishonesty outside of active addiction, in fact, dishonesty is one of those character defects that i seem to want to hold on to. i am not talking about cash register honesty, i got that very early on in my recovery. nor am i talking about telling out and out bald face lies, i was never very good at that. even the twisting of the truth by telling only part of the truth, and allowing the listener to jump to the conclusions i desire, has for the most part been lifted from me. no the dishonesty i am dealing with still, exists on a different level, it is the lies i tell myself to justify and rationalize my behavior. and what i have found out, is that my behavior damages me the most, and actually does very little harm to others. the biggest behavior my dishonesty enables is that wonderful trait of people-pleasing, however that is a topic for another day.
so as i sit here and pound out my missive to the denizens of cyberspace, i am reminded that i really am not forced to do anything i do not want to do. if i choose to cosign someone else’s bulls!t agenda, then i need to understand that is exactly what i am doing. being honest means that if i participate in any form of service committee, i accept the terms of that service, and if i am uncomfortable with those terms, then i need to ask for a compromise or walk away. i say this, because once again i find myself getting drawn into a committee, with goals that have yet to be defined, being overseen by an addict who does have an agenda, that is not actually being said out loud. so when the first meeting happens, i will have to be honest and voice my expectations and concerns, and if they are not met or a compromise that i can live with is not arrived at, then walk away and do not look back. pure and simple, live honestly and act honestly and i will have very few regrets when this day ends. so off to earn a nibble of my daily bread and then who knows what else the day may bring.

∞ DT ∞