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only to have to humble myself later and tell the truth. honestly, this is one of the things about dishonesty that truly sucks. anyhow, i am facing this learning curve on how to interview for a full-time gig. i am discovering that although honesty is the best way for me to go, i need not volunteer any information, that has yet to be asked for, i have scared off a few people by being a bit TOO honest, but like everything else, this is all about learning from my mistakes, of which i make plenty.
the topic at hand is so fVcking pertinent for me right now, just because i am participating in this whole marketing myself to potential employers gig. it is not a comfortable feeling for me to be a commodity that is is perused, poked at, prodded and examined in great detail. the addict within wants to call the whole process to a halt, and is even using the THIRD STEP as the basis for doing so. it tells me that, if i was meant to have a successful full-time gig with one of the many prospects i have been speaking with, it would come to me without any effort, just have FAITH, after all “look at the lilies of the field, they do not toil and yet…”
what i counter with, when i am insane enough to argue with myself, is that i am being presented the opportunity to feel secure, that is how the POWER that fuels my recovery is taking care of my will and my life. that POWER is not just going to drop a dump truck full of money off at my front door, so i might as well move on what i can see. i am getting what i NEED and it is up to me to match what i WANT to those NEEDS. the amazing part of all of this, is all of a sudden, my work load is increasing as well, tempting me to stop the whole job search process. there are more than a couple of ways for me to look at this whole ‘BIG’ picture, that i was never meant to actually get a job, but looking was what i needed to do OR i came to this spot by self-will and now that i have finally surrendered, making a good decision to let go, ask for help and see where this leads, to the best of my ability; has brought me to a place where my possibilities are actually expanding for the first time.
this morning, i choose the latter, and i will continue to ‘go with the flow’ as i have heard myself chanting multiple times daily.
what does this have to do with being honest? well, for one thing, being honest with myself that what i want has changed. i seem to really want a secure income more than the freedom of working from home when i want to. i seem to want structure instead of the free form shape of my life that has been self-employment. most of all, i want to be something more than i have been and stop hiding out behind the cool façade of disinterest. just as who i was in service underwent a severe revision a year ago, so my identity of what i do to gather my shekels is also being altered by the process of recovery. my choice, as i told my sponsee last night, is whether or not i have FAITH that this process will for me, and make me the man i have always wanted to be.
which, quite honestly, brings me back to STEP THREE and all of this life change is certainly part of letting go and having a bit of FAITH, without waiting for the evidence to pile up.
anyhow, i do have a phone interview today, i do have some service tasks to accomplish, i have some work to do and some studying to get done as well as the desire for a work-out. that being said, TA-TA FOR NOW, it is a great day to be part of the solution!

∞ DT ∞