Blog entry for:

trapped or pressured, i lash out, lie, blame, rationalize, justify or if all else fails, run away at top speed. standing my ground and being honest and taking my licks, just does not seem to be a part of my DNA. ah, i can hear the gears creaking now as one may think i am doing a deep dive into false humility, minimizing the progress i have made. the fact of the matter is, i am better than i was. these days, i most often choose to take a “higher” and practice a bit of honesty, despite my “natural” inclination. as my days clean pile up and i move though the process of active recovery, i do behave better and i CHOOSE to face the world with honesty, instead of hiding in the shadows i came from.
as i listened to the void this morning, what i heard seemed to have very little about practicing honesty and more about how i am currently living my life. twice in the past week, i had to defend my lack of effort to make meetings. sure, i say, i am attending my home group every single week i am in town, without fail, but is that enough? before the pandemic i was a minimum of three a week kind of guy. at that time i “felt” that was just the number of meetings i needed to “get by.” ZOOM meetings kept me going through the isolation of the first eighteen months of the pandemic and i was very diligent about attending meetings. up to four or five a week. since the pandemic has become the new “normal” and i could attend meetings here in town at least two or three times a week, i still find myself sitting and watching TV, rather than making the effort to get out and see how my peers are doing this recovery gig.
i have to stop right here, as this is where i drop into self-deprecation and abuse. the fact of the matter is that i do not feel like i am “still suffering.” because of my lack of meeting attendance. i feel better connected to my peers and way out of the gossip mill and chaos that is what happens when ideas of how to carry the message clash. it is nice to be neither a “Bleeding Deacon” nor an “Elder Statesman.” it is nice to just be a member and one who does not base his esteem on how many service positions he may have, how many groups he may attend and how much he visibly serves his fellowship. in this phase of my recovery, i can sit back and allow others to make the decisions to keep the doors open and when asked, to pitch in and lend a hand. i have also made the decision to not take on any new incarcerated sponsees, at least in the here and now. that may change over the course of the days that are yet to come, but for right now, it is time to focus on the men who call me their sponsor, see if they really want what i have and cut loose those who are not sure that they wish to do the work. no ultimatums, no threats, just an honest sharing between two peers to see where we are and where we may be going. it certainly is a good day to honestly take stock in where i am and where i am going as well.

∞ DT ∞