Blog entry for:

i apply this principle when i admit my powerlessness and unmanageability. well i do not often greet the day with as much confusion and disorientation as i have this morning. it took me so long to get up and be conscious this morning, that even now, the cobwebs are just beginning to clear.
as i apply the principle of honesty and view my current situation, i can see that although the internal landscape and how i feel and relate to the world around me, is still undergoing some changes, externally things are the same as they ever were. what i thought might be overtures at friendship, now appear to be the return to the previous state, and of course, that is a place that i will not return. i am saddened that i am willing to grow into a new and equal relationship, but the other part of that relationship is not. well i do not know whether they are unwilling, incapable, or just obtuse, and it really does not matter. what honestly matters today, is that i remain true to myself, continue to live my amends to myself, so the process of forgiving myself for the harm i caused myself can continue.
YIKERS! all this self stuff gets complicated to write about at times, although the reality of it, from the inside is not complicated at all, it just is one of those ideas and concepts that does not translate well verbal and written language.
back to honesty, the question remains, do i really want to replace an old and unhealthy relationship with what is currently being offered? based on what i saw yesterday, i am unwilling to there, their behavior has not changed one iota, and so for me to return to such a relationship would be a denial of all i have grown through and am continuing to grow through as a result of this step cycle.
enough talk about external things, when honesty really belongs to me, and is something i need to take ownership of today. if i look at what has occurred within me, and place that it the context of my entire life, what i see is a return to a state that i do not recognize. i know i have felt in awe of this gift of life before, i know i have felt like each day was time for something new to become part of my life, and i know that there was a time when i loved the adventure of life. i know these things intuitively, but i do not remember a time when they were manifest in my life. that is a sad state of affairs, especially when i am unable to pin down exactly when all of this happened and most disturbing when i left it behind. so for now, i do believe that i will allow myself to feel my way through the final stages of my spiritual landscape remodel, take care of what i need to take care of today, and take my dog out for a quick tour of the neighborhoods. what will be in any relationship is up to me, and compromise may be necessary. what will be internally, is also up to me, after all, i do know how to stop the process dead in its tracks. toady i will live an honest program to the best of my ability and let everything else go, it is better when i do so. so i will make it so and go on.

∞ DT ∞