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as i start my last day of **paid** vacation, i realize that i have done very little to actually get away from the trials and tribulations of my everyday life, and yet, i have totally put my job responsibilities and expectations completely out of my mind. as i spent the week engaged in a coding project that i sent off yesterday afternoon as an “audition” for a new opportunity, i have actually let go of the outcome and feel “good” about drowning myself in cigar smoke and coding. today i journey south for my monthly meeting with one of the men i sponsor, and hopefully over the course of our discussion i can get him to break through his denial about the reservations he is carrying around with him. it has been a full week and without any hesitation i can say a challenging one 🡆 physically, mentally and spiritually.
there are still a couple of seemingly unrelated topics that have been spinning in my head from my interactions with my peers over the course of the past seven days and it is possible that they are nibbling around the corners of my conscious mind, because i want to be in denial about them. the first one is the notion that i can get clean and stay clean to be able to participate in an event, but if i use that as a motive, what happens when i get my wish. i cannot speak for others, for me, when i was using, if i put myself into that situation, i would be using the day after the event occurred and i would do my best to keep it on the down-low, living a lie and feeling the satisfaction of “putting one over” on everyone involved. truthfully, even today, whenever i get the opportunity to do so, i enjoy “getting away” with something. the thrill of the risk inherent in possible being “found out,” makes it all worthwhile, and of course i never stop until i mam forced to do so. case in point, i stopped smoking cigars for a month before my annual nicotine test and commenced again the day after my “negative” was submitted. after seven thousand nine hundred and ninety-five days clean, i still get that thrill. to be honest, when someone tells me that they are getting clean for any reason but their sole desire to live without using, i am always a bit suspect, based on my internal processes.
the other notion is the simple phrase that i heard when i first got clean telling me that i “NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN.” that phrase, in and of itself, scared the livinï sh!t out of me, back in the day and still sends shiver or two down my spine, unless i append “JUST FOR TODAY,” to it. i certainly have no issue these days staying clean between the time i wake up and go to sleep. that is the sort of commitment i can make without reservations. the rub here, is many of my peers need to append: “EVEN IF I WANT TO,” and that makes me wonder if i am in denial about my lack of desire to use. i just do not want to use and i have been through more than a few life experiences that would have been a perfect opportunity to use. even the other 85% would have given me a free pass on a bender. it comes down to either i am different from them or i am in denial, or maybe it just is that have achieved something they are still striving for and have yet to settle in themselves. in all honesty, i am not at all sure and i will have more than enough time to sort it out as this day progresses. time to get some pavement time and steps.

∞ DT ∞