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honesty will help, not hinder, my efforts to live clean and recover.
honestly, as much as i want to say i am okay with the fact that i do not have a full-time gig lined up and ready to rock and roll, i am not. this however is not a binary thing, one that i am either okay or i am fVcked up over it. yes, i am not worried about paying my bills. yes i am not worried about paying for the mini-vacations i have planned with the woman i love. and yes i am not worried about being comfortable. i have concerns, knowing as i do, that in the long run, i will need to get back to work and that long run is not measured in years these days, weeks and the fewer the better would make me feel more comfortable. i do, however, have work to do and more in the pipeline, so while i am looking for a new gig, i can certainly be earning my keep as well,. but a few things that i do, like maintaining appearances, will have to go, and for that i am grateful. after all, the crux of the work i did in my FIFTH STEP was letting go of the stuff i took on, so i could look good and be some sort of…
so honesty in all my affairs, well that in and of itself is a bit of a sticky wicket, that i could write dissertations on that extend for thousands of words. yes, there are lies, white lies, exaggerations, tall tales and on and on, the point is, that even when i want to be honest, sometimes a bit of discretion and diplomacy is called for. sometimes, when i want to tell someone exactly what i think, some time and distance is needed so that i can cool off and return to a more rational state. sometimes, the situational ethics just gets so twisted and arcane, that it is better to keep quiet and not say anything at all.
honestly, i can twist this up to no end. what it all comes down to, for me, am i showing on the outside what it is oi am feeling? if i feel i NEED to embellish a story to make it juicier or more salacious, why do i have such a low opinion of myself? the simple truth is, i am who i am, and the sooner i can accept that and move on, the sooner i can live honestly and know what is the next right thing to do is. which for me, right here and right now, is to hop in the shower, head up to Loveland and collect my personal belongings. and then, well take care of the work i have on my desk, after all the bills will not just because i have.

∞ DT ∞