Blog entry for:

there are times when i find myself trying to wiggle out of a difficult spot by being dishonest, only to have to humble myself later and tell the truth.
pondering this topic this morning, i can see the many layers of honesty in my life. although the whole “cash register” was not mentioned, it still came to mind, as it always does when i think about honesty. i could trip merrily down that path, but i realize that is a diversion from the path i truly desire to explore this morning, and so i will leave it there and move on.
i looked over last year's entry and i am clueless as to what was happening in the recent events that surrounded those days. i do know that all of my issues with that particular addict has changed me in a manner that may not be to my liking. perhaps better put, to the liking of those who happen to walk before on this path. these days i have even called my sponsor out on some of the things i see, that he needs to correct. i no longer naively follow the lead of those who have more clean time, just because they have more clean time. not only have their feet of clay been revealed to me, in all their glory, i also see how much power they took from me, just because i volunteered to give it to them. well this well-trained monkey is no longer compliant and will no longer sit quietly in the peanut gallery while the adults discuss what is really going on. the problem with this new outlook, is the bottled up frustration from years of subjugation, and how that gets expressed these days. the little bit of charm and diplomacy that i do possess, flies out the window these days, and i either end up in a scathingly bitter discussion, or walking away to a corner to sulk. all of this is once again uncharted territory, and the problem i am facing, is as i explore this more and more, i will need to discover a method for looking past my expectations and seeing into their hearts.
for me, i am quite certain that the ends DO NOT justify the means, if i desire something, it is my job top ask for it, instead of changing the rules so i get what i want without having to be humble enough to ask. for me, it means that when the time comes to end a relationship, i NEED to be honest enough with the other person and say so, not just game them into leaving. most of all, it means that the relationships i have in my life and that are working, i NEED to nourish and tend to them and no longer let them run on autopilot. so my journey through the steps is beginning to look like another stab at the whole relationship gig, once more. the amazing part for me, is how in the world did i live so many years and not learn all of this stuff when it would have been a piece of cake? how did i get here without learning any of the socialization skills that others seem to take for granted? for the answer to that and many more questions, stay tuned, for i have FAITH that my ignorance in these areas will be addressed one step at a time, if i allow the process to work. what i also know today, is that i cannot and will not be used or abused by my own volition just for today, what was is not good enough, nor does it have to be. i will walk out into this world this morning certain of just this:
JUST FOR TODAY, I CAN BE A BETTER MAN THAN I WAS YESTERDAY!
so off to the streets i go, confident that the process is working and that i no longer NEED to cosign the bullsh!t of anyone else.

∞ DT ∞