Blog entry for:

for my decisions, which today, means that i need to make amends to my spouse, as i made a bad joke about the health news she received and walked out the door to walk the dawg. i forget that she, unlike me, does not joke about certain things and is very sensitive to insensitivity, especially on my part. i am not the world's most sensitive guy and when i slip, i fall very hard. getting up and dusting myself off is what i need to do today and i have started that process by writing a note asking to start our process of coming back together.
when i was using, i was all about being “independent” and made all sorts of bad decisions that affected others. i did not care about the fallout because no matter what happened it was not my fault. as i stayed clean and walked a path of recovery, i realize that i am not alone in this world and everything i do, may have consequences for which i will need to take responsibility. i can tap-dance all that i want to, but the fact of the matter is, no matter what, i have to own what i do and be willing to correct the mess i may leave behind. the path of recovery is not for the timid of the faint of heart, as i have found out, once again, this morning.
as i sat, before i went down the way wrong path, i heard more than once the instances of where lately, i had been less than attentive to the consequences of my actions on the world around me. although the results were far less severe than the most recent, i can see that i have been walking around oblivious to all sorts of things. my defense of course, is that it is my cancer that has my focus shifted, but that is just smoke and mirrors. the fact is, i am feeling sorry for myself and i am craving more attention and expecting to get it, no matter how much i complain about being way over cared for.
as i walk out of the house to greet my work day, i know that even if there is no movement in my personal relationships towards forgiveness, i am, at least willing to sit down and make the corrections i need to make, soothe the pain i caused and be present for what may be coming down the pike, just for today.

∞ DT ∞