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it is easier living the truth than living a lie.
this is certainly one of those no-brainer readings, for me. i could cheer lead and fart some daisies about how honesty pays off for me, however i am certain that it was all said, eloquently and succinctly in this morning's reading. what i heard as i settled into my quiet time this morning was that part of being honest, is being who i am. now when i first got here, that was nearly an impossible task, as i did not who i really was. the longer i stay clean and WORK and active program of recovery, the more i Do know who i am, and when i am fronting someone else. it would be quite wonderful to say that i am always just myself, in every situation that i encounter. it also would be wonderful to say that i sh!t solid 24 carat gold, sort of like the goose in Jack and the Beanstalk. both are certainly outrageous statements and only goes to prove my point, that long-term recovery, even with an active program, does not mean that i suddenly get perfect. there is nothing wrong with that, and part of accepting who i am, and showing who i am, is allowing myself, the greatest denier of who i am, to see me for who i am today.
okay, that was more than a bit confusing. what i wanted to say was that the person who i put up fronts for the most, is myself. somewhere down the line, i got the notion that i could never win being myself, as i have shared before, so the whole creating personae for the rest of the world, was first internalized long before i ever used the first time. no drugs did not make it any worse, they just allowed me to drift deeper and deeper into the fantasy world i wanted to become reality and even though those two very rarely matched up, i was certain that the right combination of drugs, the right friends and acquaintances, the right lovers and sex partners or the right job was all i needed to finally win and be someone.
well today i can win and do, every single day. i win the battle that i have ceased to fight, with my addiction. i am so glad, that the program of recovery i practice is not about substances and has the tools to allow me to get way past my uncontrollable use of substances and actually attack the root problem, my inability to accept who i am and to push towards the vision of who i want to be.
anyhow, it is getting late, so i will sign-off and head west by southwest to earn my daily bread! oh yeah, as i walk through today, i will remember who and what i am and live that image, instead of hiding my light under some bushel.

∞ DT ∞