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is so much easier than living in a state of alternate facts. when i CHOOSE to live as i am, rather than who i want everyone to think i am, i get the sort of balance in my life that i have always been seeking. so much for the rainbows and unicorns, there are a few things on my mind, that surfaced as i sat this morning and that i need to drop by the side of the road before i step out into the byways of reality.
as i was talking to one of my peers, i received a text from another one of my peers that asked me; “how's your recovery, bro?” as i was currently busy being present for someone else, i pitched that text into the “i'll deal with this later” bucket and promptly disregarded any emotional reaction i had. when i finished what i was doing and before sitting for my TENTH STEP, i answered the question with one of my own, asking how does one measure the quality of one's recovery and promptly left the whole topic alone and went to bed. as i sat this morning, what came up from the depths of my despair was a whole bunch of questions about motives and causes. i wondered whether or not i should have been insulted and why my peer was asking that sort of question. what came of that little bit of angst was not anger at being asked the question or seeking revenge for stinging my sensitive side, but a look at the questions contained in that little exchange.
being honest, i have pulled back from the local fellowship over the past few months and it has been at least two weeks since i have been at a meeting, any meeting in my home town. for one who has been quite visible for most of his recovery, becoming invisible “looks” as if i am “moving along” in my life and ditching what i have done in my recovery from the very beginning. i could justify and rationalize, saying that this is just a phase, but honestly what is going on, is that i am CHOOSING to seek alternatives to the three meetings a week i attend. as a result, i am far less visible to my peers, than i used to be and lately far more quiet.
“advanced recovery” certainly does not exist, there are however, different phases to my growth in my recovery. what i am seeking today, other than the means to live life clean, just for today, includes finding my way in the world outside of the rooms and building a life beyond. as i persevere through my amends to myself, i am seeing that the person i have treated the most shabbily for so long, has been myself and i am quite pissed off about that fact. i am struggling to let myself feel that anger but the question then arises how the fVck do i express those feelings without pounding the object of my ire into dust? quite the dilemma, be honest and feel my feeling and suppress my reactions and swallow my DESIRE to hit back. what i am coming to realize is that what i think is anger, is actually regret and remorse for living the life of an addict, in and out of active addiction. my “vacation” from the local fellowship is based on seeking those answers and hiding the fact that i am not where i want my friends and peers to see me at, in a stew-pot of emotional reactions as i attempt to forgive myself for those lost decades. the insanity, and yes it is insane, is that they are the very souls that can give me the keys to the kingdom of letting go of what i did and accepting that i need not do that anymore. all that from a innocuous little text, quite a feat.
moving forward? well just for today, i will let go of how i think i look and be the person who i am, warts and all. perhaps i will find the means to show up and be local at the largest meetings in my home town, so those who know me, can see that i am still kicking it in recovery and have an issue or two to work through. life may not be all peachy keen, jelly bean, but the alternative is far worse, just for today.

∞ DT ∞