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comes responsibility, as i learn to make decisions for myself i also need to accept the responsibility for those decisions. that i need to write about this at all should be no surprise to anyone who reads my stuff. i have often alluded to my tendency to seek solace for the consequences of my decisions by blaming other people, circumstances beyond my control or fate. if that fails, as it does most of the time, i move into a stance that avoids making any decision and living my life by default, then i can honestly say that it was not my fault ↠ rinse and repeat. i have to admit, even though i have a minute clean, both of those decision-making strategies, still bubble up to the surface and cause me untold grief when, against my better judgement, i choose to indulge in them. it is what it is, and that is the sort of stuff that shows up on my daily inventory these days.
this morning, as i sat, what i heard is that i need not volunteer to be a victim to living a life by default or not accepting that each and every decision i may make in the course of my day, just may have consequences that i do not find desirable, either in the moment, or further down the line.where i once all about having the world decide my fate and moaning about the results, today, i am more about deciding my future, even if it is the next ten minutes, and accepting that things may not work out in a manner that suits me. i make more than a few mistakes every day, and often chide and disparage myself for doing so. it is true, some are totally avoidable and perhaps i deserve a stern “talking to” for deciding to go that way. others, well not so much. in either case, i can say that neither is a failure, if i decide to take the lesson and apply it to my life, going forward. perhaps, as i sit here this morning, i can frame a new area for consideration in my TENTH STEP inventory: did i learn anything from the consequences of my decisions today?
it is time, however, to get my work out togs on and hit the streets. i have stuff to do for my employer as well as a dental appointment, so getting off my flat ass and out into the world is a good decision to make, right here and right now. i am getting to the point in my life and my recovery where self-doubt and self-recrimination are not part of my daily repertoire and that is certainly a symptom of growth. the key here is an old bumper sticker “if i am not GROWING, i will soon be GOING,” and just for today i want to stay.

∞ DT ∞