Blog entry for:

or living life on its own terms, that is the choice i face today. sometimes it is not the newest of the new who is the still suffering addict. some days it is me. simply put, i am not happy or joyous today and freedom is all i have to fall back on. i am somewhere between passion and desperation and the program itself is giving me little comfort or respite from myself. it is not that i have stopped doing anything that i have always done, i am not quite that crazy, it is just that i am starting to feel that meetings, at least the ones i have been habituating, are not giving me what i need, namely the freedom to say i am sick and suffering and looking for something different. the past few nights, i have been in meetings off of my beaten track and felt free to be who i am, without having to coach my feelings in a cloud of vague and obscure wordsmithing shares.
this is quite the double-edged sword. if i continue bottling in what i feel and pretending to be just fine, i will soon enough build up enough of a resentment that i will walk away from the program. if i let it out and share honestly, i risk losing what i perceive to be my standing in the local recovery community. what it comes down to, is do i save my a$$ or my face, as trying to save both, is not working for me. honestly i could continue on my merry way, puking up my truth at meetings far from home or so brand new that they are still a “secret.” in time, this little existential crisis will resolve and then i can be what i am, openly and honestly in my local recovery community. BTW, what this has strengthened is my resolve to apply this program in my daily life. the individual part of recovery, nor my passion for it, has not been diminished one iota. it is the parade of newcomers; the vague and pointless shares that vapid shallowness that is making me wonder where i need to go. i can certainly see myself building my case for my first trial separation from the fellowship that has given me this life and maybe, a bit of time away may be what i need. i do not know and this morning the only thing i care about is getting out of the fantasy that i fins everything around me, exactly the way i like it. just for today, i need to let go of who i nthink i am, and become who i will be, and honesty will further that journey.

∞ DT ∞