Blog entry for:

recovery is not fueled by wishing and dreaming, i have discovered, but by prayer and action. so yesterday was about unrealistic expectations about where i should be in recovery and today the topic turns to what i can do, if the progress of my recovery is not meeting my expectations. the ironic part is, if i am not actively working on my recovery, i have little know;ledge that i am not progressing. in fact i have no knowledge of the relative direction of my recovery progress until i end up stomping someone intro the ground. then it is oops, there i go again, what the fVck happened?
so the pair of these readings is especially poignant for me today, as i must place myself in a situation where i will be extremely uncomfortable and i will have to determine a manner of telling a fellow member that the are full of sh!t, in a loving and kind manner. it does not get any better from there, but it is what it is, and the time has come for me to stand up because i can no longer shut up. it is not their fault that i have reached his point, it is mine, because i have been avoiding certain aspects of my spiritual journey. but so it goes…
now that i have that land mine off the table, i can move in a direction that is a bit more palatable to me this morning. yes, i want all the gifts recovery can offer: loving equal relationships, the chance to pursue lost dreams, new dreams that were beyond my ken, and the chance to become a person i never thought would ever exist. those are gifts and not promises in case someone may be confused, and those gifts can only come if i work a program of recovery by actually participating in my recovery and my life, instead of blaming, rationalizing and justifying living by default.
what does that mean right here and right now? well for one, it means taking a day off from my workout because it is pouring rain. getting what i need to get done for my clients this morning. running to the PO BOX to take care of something i am trusted to do. and actively participating in a meeting that will be very unpleasant for me. and most of all accepting that these are the parts of life on life’s terms that i must deal with over the next eight hours or so. after that, we will see -- i can continue to dread this day or i can choose to look at it as a growth experience and the only way i am going to make it is to believe that all of this, is just what it is supposed to be, and all i have to do is walk through it with all the courage i can muster, and i will survive and even thrive on the other side. so off to face this day, life is still good and i am still grateful to be in recovery.

∞ DT ∞