Blog entry for:

today, i seek new spiritual growth through prayer and action. up or down and constant change, not the most comforting thought for a person like me. as much as i used to believe i thrived on chaos, i know that was a coping mechanism i used to build the wall of denial that allowed me to survive. my imaginary Teflon coating has long been stripped away and i am left to deal with stuff i feel less than prepared to deal with. feelings, relationships and just the bump and grinds that is daily life. the good news, however is that i do not have to do without a guide book and the help of others i have met along the way.
the reading on this very rushed Friday morning reminds me that not only can i not rely on the recovery work i did yesterday, i cannot rely on the work of others. as much as i like to coast, and trust me i do like to coast. as i skate out on to the thin ice of abstinence and let my recovery go, i get in serious trouble very quickly.
a case in point may be what i would usually write here but this morning i think it goes without saying that any example, recent or in the distant past, sort of defeats what i am trying to say. my experience is that as i get further and further off my program of active recovery, i become less and less the man i want to be. in fact, even though sometimes i may look like i am coasting, most of the time, there is stuff going on that i do daily, that keeps me away from the thin ice in the middle and close to the shore of the fellowship and recovery.
i am a risk-taker and although i have been clean for a minute, that has never been totally removed. one of the risks i take daily, is i walk out the door of my house into the real world. not that i always had to leave home to use, in most cases i was locked in my room, using away. no, but there are all sorts of me to use, and to use legally, and not suffer the consequences that brought me here. or so i would like to believe! that is something the part of me i call addiction chooses to use, to keep me as sick as possible. the part of me that wants more than a constant haze in my life, well that part wants me to be successful, happy and most importantly sane. that part of me, is the one that takes the reminders that my recovery program is dynamic and seldom static, seriously and does what he can to be active and yes even proactive in my life.
what does all this mean? well for today it means working my job to see if i can fix what i built yesterday. getting my teeth cleaned and getting ba bit of service done, before i go to bed tonight. and oh yeah, doing whatever i need to do, to remain a member of the no matter what club, it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞