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and dreaming for recovery and spiritual growth may seem to work in my imagination, BUT i am not all that certain about it working in the real world. more than once in my recovery journey, i have sat on the sidelines and allowed the world to pass me by, believing that i could absorb recovery through my pores, just by attending a sh*t load of meetings. my working theory was that if i hung with the winners, as the literature suggest, and made meeting attendance my highest priority, all would be well. and then i found myself in a basement apartment in Little Neck, NJ with one of my favorite substances and “sobriety-monitoring” screening less than three days away. i finally came to the conclusion, that for me anyhow “ass-mosis” was not going to work for any length of time. as a result, here i sit, with over eight thousand days clean, musing about wishing and dreaming my way to spiritual growth.
i guess i have answered the question i posed yesterday, specifically what is my destination. and the survey says: SPIRITUAL GROWTH. let me be perfectly clear here, no matter what one chooses to read into my words, i am talking about myself only today. it is not my place, at least right here and right now, to comment on the state of anyone else's program, even if i have some very strong opinions about that. today, for a change i feel a bit more centered even though nothing has really changed, overnight. i still have far too much debt. i am still in the same job and i am still doing the same things for my recovery, that i have done for several days in a row. i guess what is happening, is that i am letting go of a result or three and seeing myself and my life in a better light, strange and unusual as that may seem. with that in mind, i think i will go start my morning trek with the dawg, but leave the exercise un-posted until i return.
coming back from my “thought” as a former co-worker used to say, there is not a whole lot more happening inside. what came to me was i could go through the litany of my daily actions to support my ongoing recovery, to justify my slack meeting attendance. the fact is, i CHOOSE to go to fewer meetings these days for an assortment of reasons, and none of them actually more pressing than my recovery. the fact is, as i continue to stay clean and do what i NEED to do for my recovery, as evidenced by a “crazy” season that i am not nearly as crazy as i used to be. in fact, as i approach this anniversary, i am centered and content, instead of grasping for a way out of the madness i generally experience. with that thought in mind, specifically a feeling of gratitude for what i am not feeling, i think i will take a shower and get ready to face the semi-real world of working from home.

∞ DT ∞