Blog entry for:

is never static, its growth or decline, is based on how well i do or do not live the program of recovery, that i have been give. WHEW, that was a long way to get where i was going, but worth every character. it is certainly true that i have been stuck long enough on my FOURTH STEP, to build a hose and landscape the yard, and here is where the excuses could start to fly. instead i will just leave it that, as i am finally close enough to wanting the change, to do something about it, but still not feeling enough pain, to actually start writing.
being one who came from a sense of entitlement and did his best to disqualify myself from recovery,, and dismiss and denigrate any suggestions from those who have walked this path for longer than i have, staying clean for thousands of days in a row, is not an expected outcome. i still cannot believe that i have not exercised my exit clause and walked out the doors. i can say that as an addict in recovery, i am getting what i NEED and a whole lot of what i DESIRE. the pay-off, as it were, keeps me coming back and coming back clean.
am i really slacking on the work i need to do to sustain my spiritual growth? that is the question that came from the quiet this morning and the answer seems to be, yes i am doing enough and i could be doing more. living a program, is more than working steps and going to meetings and i am doing a whole lot more than those two measures, may indicate. the argument becomes than, am i settling for less, because i am unwilling to do more, or is there stuff that is going on, inside of me, that requires a bit of sitting? either is possible and also probable, but i can say this, as i sit at the start of this FOURTH STEP, the world is bringing to my door, what i have been feeling for quite a bit of time. i am starting to “feel” what i need to write about and as that feeling starts to fill me, i am certain the writing will flow out of my head and onto the paper. what i write will clarify what i feel and what i feel will determine what i write. how is that for circular logic! time to put this one to bed and get on with the rest of my day.

∞ DT ∞