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decaying? i have to admit, that this whole up or down tenet of recovery, was one i believed wholeheartedly, for the longest time. time and again, i heard my peers share that they relapsed because they stopped doing what was working and when they were provided the opportunity to use, they did. they had no “spiritual” defense, as they had walked away from the program, in one sense or another. i used that as evidence to bolster my belief in this binary notion and lived in abject FEAR of that outcome becoming reality for me. do not get me wrong, i certainly do believe that IF i fail to practice a program of active recovery on a daily basis. i will relapse. for me, that means an application of the steps in my life and living a life based on the spiritual principles i have been given.
many of the the ideas and notions i internalized once i became a member, have become moot or part of my daily existence. living in the abject FEAR of relapse is certainly one of the former; daily conscious contact is one of the latter. this morning, as i ease my way back into the Mountain time zone at five thousand feet above sea level, i know that my lack of meeting attendance is one of those things i need to address, and maybe a trip to Boulder tonight is in my future. i truly believe that my recovery is a gift that needs to be cherished, protected and exercised in a real-time manner. i have come to believe that slavishly and obsessively working steps. is probably not the best course of action for me. i have never been a “step technician,” and i am not about to become one now. i do feel, however, that i have lingered in the glow and chaos of my FIFTH STEP for long enough and it is time to move forward into that dreaded STEP SIX. i also feel that it may be time to look at the men who call me their sponsor and decide whether or not i am giving them the most for their efforts. if i am not the best possible sponsor in the world for them, then i might have to suggest they move on. for me, living a program keeps me connected to what is important in my life, serenity and balance. the world spun without me and i really did not miss being “up” on things as i walked through history. today i am ready to start my transition back into the real world, and i am certainly caught up on the news of the world and getting up to speed on those who are important to me in my life.
all of that can wait to later. what i do know is that i am clean and have the DESIRE to stay that way, at least until i fall asleep tonight. right here and right now, i need to get out and hit the streets and get a work-out in, as i am sure that the past 10 days has added more that a few pounds to the weight i am carrying, physically that is 😂!

∞ DT ∞