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i cannot rely on my recovery program from yesterday, as much as i would want to.
so taking that statement at face value, i could one could show how patently false that it really is. after all, my recovery program from yesterday, is what set-up what i am willing to do today. with that in mind, the key word than has to be “rely.”
there are lots of ways to reword the statement to remove any loophole, that people like me, find in any statement, written or otherwise, made by the fellowship. what i get out of this reading, is not so much that i cannot rely on yesterday's program of recovery, but that i WILL not rely on that program IF i want to continue my spiritual growth. now it comes down to a choice, one that not only is semantically correct, but spiritually as well. complacency and apathy are choices of members who have time, not the natural consequence of sticking around. it is true, that working the program, with any sort of diligence, that after a while most of my real big issues were reduced to manageable chunks. it is also true, that working the steps and living a program of active recovery has transformed me into someone that i would not be able to recognize, back in the so-called “good old days.” way back then there was nothing i COULD rely on, except for myself. i could not rely on my bag coming through, just because it came through the day before. i could not rely on money coming in, just because it came in the day before. and worst of all, i could not rely on my friends, for as i came to find out, they were whop they were and i hardly was capable of forming any sort of relationships back in the day, not even friendships. so why would i believe that active recovery was anything different than active recovery?
I HAVE to do the footwork, IF i want the gifts to keep on coming on. i mean, yes it would have been nice to win 320 million dollars in POWER BALL, but the reality was, that when i bought that ticket, i did not go out and lease a Maserati, relying on my, yet to be cashed in, winning lottery ticket. recovery, i can see is similar. doing this gig actively every day, is no different than buying that ticket, i know i cannot win, if i do not buy the ticket. the pay-off is far more certain than the lottery, as has been demonstrated day in and day out since i finally took the very FIRST STEP for the very first time, and surprise, surprise, that was not September 10, 1997.
it is a good thing we only count days abstinent around here, and not days of active recovery, because i would fall far short of the five thousand and four hundred plus days that i have been clean. it is also a good thing that my odds of staying clean, by participating in fostering my spiritual growth are so much better than my odds of swimming the jackpot in some multi-state game of chance.
what do i want today? i want to grow, i want to deepen my relationships with myself, the woman i love, my friends, my peers and the POWER that fuels my recovery. i want to walk in FAITH, with my head held high, secure in the knowledge that i have done all that i needed to stay clean today and more importantly took an active interest in doing the next right thing. i want, i want, iwant…
and yet all of that is achievable, all i have to do is be present for the opportunities the POWER that fuels my recovery puts into my life and i will get exactly what i NEED.
yesterday is gone, and the program i worked yesterday, may be the same as the program i worked today, but today, much like yesterday i will take an active part in that program and do my best to be in active recovery, instead of just getting by.

∞ DT ∞