Blog entry for:

this growth is not the result of wishing but of action and prayer. as i sit here this morning, pondering the change in my life, while looking out the windows at the steam rising from the hot springs, i am struck by a sense of gratitude. sure, it has not been the most financially successful era in my life, nor do i am i necessarily the most spiritually fit i have ever been,m i am in my 30 day crazy season, BUT i am sitting here, the hotel bill is paid, i have gas in the car and more than enough resources to get me home. a beautiful home that i share with the woman i love. all of this is possible ONLY because i actually did a bit of step work across the course of the past fourteen years. letting go of what the first idea on the stack happened to be: “ me too, it has been my experience that i am the most serene, and spiritual when i…”
what i am left with, going with that as a premise is that there is a plan, an order if you will, to the chaos of life the universe and everything. i can choose to try and impose my will on the pattern i barely glimpse, much less understand, OR i can do the next right thing. which today, feels like letting go of arguing with a using addict. she does not and will not get it, and everything i say is mean and attacking her. the louder she screams, the closer to home my words hit, i know this from my experience around the rooms, in recovery and just living day by day. i protest the most, that which i DO NOT i wish to hear.
where that is taking me, is back to place of being grateful. i mean how could i ever guessed that i would return to Pagosa Springs, time and time again, with the love of my life. even better take care of business and pleasure in the same fell swoop. well it has happened and it is happening, and even if i pinch myself, i am really here. this is the result of listening to what those members were trying to get through my thick skull fourteen years ago, back when i was around the rooms but before i had the desire to get more than i ever got. there is only one direction i want to today, and although the e-mail from the POWER that fuels my recovery has not arrived, i am pretty sure it is to take a soak, pack my bag, give my honey some love and attention and head north east back to our home and hearth.
so change is well upon me in 6 days i will be in a full time gig, in 8 hours i will be home and in 5 minutes i will be soaking in over 100 degree mineral water. life is good and yes, i can slide back to where i came from, as i have seen over the past week, through the behavior and reactions of other addicts. that need not be me, i know the path to a better me and it is the STEPS!

∞ DT ∞