Blog entry for:

overnight, those lives were transformed; they walked, talked, ate, drank, slept, and dreamed the fellowship. i, however was not one of those. oh, if you heard me share, in those days between my first meeting and the day that i finally got clean, you would have sworn, that i was one those members who was struck clean, living on a **pink cloud** and certain to be gone quickly. i knew the language, after all, that was all treatment did for me. i am not stupid, so i quickly figured out how to sound and look like i **got it.** and i did just enough to look good. the irony of this is, when i see that same behavior today , in others, i act like those members did way back when. i nod my head, i give them a hug and i tell them to keep coming back.
well i did not go away, i had a different sword over my head that motivated me to comply, and i finally did **get it.** or at least i got it enough to make a decision to want to stay clean, and the commitment i made in that September of 1997, has stuck. because of the length of time that i was **around** the program before i finally got clean, i was not one of those who ever got a **pink cloud** nor was i struck clean. early recovery to me was like getting five root canals in a single day with only enough anesthesia to get through one. that is to say, quite painful, very unpleasant and the last thing i wanted to be doing with me time. BUT fifteen weekends in county jail and the threat of prison looming over my head, created an atmosphere of endurance in me and just enough willingness, to crack open my solidly closed mind and began to consider getting honest.
the interesting part of this whole exercise this morning, is that i can recall with such vivid detail those days, eleven years after the fact, and there is no joy in any of those memories. BUT i do have gratitude for being able to remember those days when i was not a thirty day wonder. it is the memory of the pain, the turmoil and my difficulty accepting a spiritual way of living that helps keep me clean to this day.
so anyhow, i could go on and on, but i have other things to get done today. today i am grateful for the 4011 days beyond those first thirty, that i have had the pleasure to live and that recovery is no longer something i need to endure. i do not know if this is as good as it gets, but i do know that i am satisfied if it is.

∞ DT ∞